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http://archive.org/details/worldsalmaniacfoOOchur 


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SPECIMEN     ILLUSTRATION     FROM    ARCHIBALD    TH1      I   \i 


€f)c  XOozWg  Crceti- 

THE  WORLD  believes  the  Enemy  of  Mankind  may 
be  trusted  to  attend  to  his  particular  business  of  stir- 
ring up  strife.  It  therefore  seeks  to  promote  peace  on  earth 
and  good  will  among  good  tnen. 

THE  WORLD  believes  that  even  the  Moon  has  two 
sides.  It  therefore  gives  every  honest  man  credit  for 
supposing  himself  to  be  right,  no  matter  how  wrong  it  may 
hold  him  to    be. 

THE  WORLD  believes  that  sufficient  unto  each  day 
are  the  roils  thereof  It  therefore  considers  it  quite 
unnecessary  to  embitter  existence  to-day  by  fighting  over  the 
fights  of  yesterday. 

THE  WORLD  believes  there  was  some  sense  in  the  old 
superstition  according  to  which  every  day's  fortune 
was  colored  by  the  first  objects  seen  in  the  morning.  It 
therefore  thinks  that  to  lay  on  a  man's  breakfast  table  a 
sheet  full  of  unclean  things,  angry  7vords,  personal  squab- 
bles and  political  spites,  is  about  as  likely  a  way  of  pro- 
pitiating his  good  trill  as  to  put  spiders  into  his  coffee. 
As  a  mere  matter  of  business,  therefore,  THE  WORLD 
endeavors  to  be  fair  to  its  opponents  in  polities,  candid  in 
its  discussion  of  public  questions,  just  to  all  men — and  "up 
to  the  latest  news." 


SPECIAL     NOTICE 


Since  the  change  in  its  proprietorship, 

THE  NEW-YORK  WORLD 

HAS   BECOME   THE 

Most  Newsy  and   Enterprising 

OF     ALL     THE     GREAT     DAILIES 


Read  what  the  leading  Papers  say  of  "THE  WORLD." 

"  The  old  readers  of  The  World  must  have  observed  the  very  extraordinary  changes 
in  that  paper,  and  the  still  more  superb  improvements  in  the  way  of  industry,  enterprise 
and  ability  which  are  seen  under  its  present  management." — New-York  Commercial 
A  dvertiser. 

"  We  call  The  World  a  bold  and  able  journal.         *  *  *  *  *         * 

It  has  acquired  the  fuxbit  of  telling  the  truth,  whether  it  hurts  the  opposite  party  or  its 
own. " — New-  York  Evening  Post. 

"  The  World,  the  most  ably  edited  of  the  New-York  journals." — The  London  Post. 

"  Since  the  editorial  control  of  the  New-York  U  'orld  passed  to  the  gentleman  ivhc 
no7u  conducts  it,  it  has  been  characterized  by  a  sprightliness  and  brilliancy  which 
appear  in  every  department  of  the  journal." — Brooklyn  Eagle. 

"  The  World  seems  to  be  edited  all  aver,  its  new  departments  displaying  much  ot 
the  literary  knowledge  and  graceful  style  of  writing  always  to  be  found  in  its  editorial 
page." — Philadelphia  Ledger. 

"  The  World  has  become  the  brightest,  sprightliest,  most  popular  and  scholarly 
journal  in  the  metropolis." — A  merican  Art  Journal. 

"  The  World  is  very  much  like  what  we  should  make  a  daily  edition  of  The  Spirit, 
another  American  Gentleman's  newspaper." — Wilkes'  Spirit  of  the  Timet. 

"Those  of  our  readers  who  have  not  tested  the  quality  of  the  Sunday  issue  of  the 
New-York  WorUl  should  do  so  without  fail  They  will  find  it  an  admirably  edited 
sheet,  most  attractively  stored  in  the  way  of  literary  and  miscellaneous  reading 
matter." — Buffalo  Courier. 

"  The  New- York  World  believes  the  enemy  of  mankind  may  be  trusted  to  his  par- 
ticular business  of  stirring  up  strife.  It  therefore  seeks  to  promote  peace  on  earth  and 
good  will  among  good  men." 


The  Weekly  World,  a    Large  8-page   Paper, 
ONE    DOLLAR    per    year. 


THE    WORLD. 

"A     Rattling     Good     Newspaper." 
TERMS-POSTAGE  PREPAID. 

Daily  and  Sundays,  one  year,  $10.00  ;  six  months,  $5.50  ;  three  months, 

$2-75- ' 

Daily,  without  Sundays,  one  year,  $8.00 ;  six  months,  $4.25 ;  three 
months,   $2.25  ;    less  than  three  months,  $1.00  a  month. 

Sunday  World,  one  year,  $2.00. 

The  Monday  World,  containing  the  Literary'  Reviews  and  "  College 
Chronicle,"  $1.50  by  the  year. 

The  Semi-Weekly  World  (Tuesdays  and  Fridays),  Two  Dollars 
a  year.  To  Club  Agents— An  extra  copy  for  club  of  ten  ;  The  Daily  for 
club  of  twenty-five. 

The  Weekly  World  (Wednesdays),  One  Dollar  a  year.  To 
Club  Agents— An  extra  copy  for  club  of  ten  ;  the  Semi-Weekly  for  club 
of  twenty  ;  the  Daily  for  club  of  fifty. 

Specimen  number  sent  on  application.  Terms — Cash,  invariably  in 
advance.     All  communications  should  be  addressed  to 

THE  WORLD,  35  Park  Row,  N.  Y. 


ADVERTISING  RATES  OF  "THE  WORLD." 

T7p-town  Office,  1267  Broadway.  35  Rark  Row,  New-York. 

Per  Agate  Line  for  each  insertion.     {Eight  Words  are  counted  to  a  Line.) 

Third,  Sixth  and  Seventh  Pages $ 

Eighth  Page 

Fifth  Page,  Business  Notices 

"  City  Items,  with  word  "  Advertisement," 

"  "  "  "Communicated," 

"  Quoted  Items 

Eighth  Page     "  "       

Third  Page,  after  Money  Article 

Semi- Weekly '  ........ 

Weekly  (circulation,  90,000) 

Special  Notices,  Weekly 

V  leaded,  for  the  space  occupied. 

PAYMENT     REQUIRED     IN     ADVANCE. 


How  doth  the  little  busy  Frog 

Improve  the  shining  hour, 
And  prove  himself  a  faultless  prog- 

Nostic  of  shade  and  shower. 

Wiser  than  any  Ladder  Day 

Prophet  is  he,  his  tongue 
Is  silent,  but  in  every  way 

He  hath  the  changes  Rung. 

The  mercury  when  't  will  be  warm, 

And  he  do  rise  afar, 
But  come  there  threatenings  of  a  storm, 

Look  out  for  Lower  Bar. 

The  brute  creation  travelleth 

To  the  observer's  gate  ; 
The  Great  Bear  in  his  Ulster  saith, 

"Shall  I  Hiberniate?:' 


The  Cranes  do  crane  their  necks  to  learn 

To  Egypt  shall  they  flock, 
Where  warmer  sun  than  ours  doth  burn 

And  murmur,  "That  's  the  Stork!  " 

While  all  the  planets  as  they  roll, — 
The  sun,  the  moon,  good  lack, 

Proclaim  the  truth  from  pole  to  pole, 
"The  World's  Almaniac." 


Out  of  The  World"  Series. 


No.  1. 

COMIC  FABLES, 

BY 

G.  Washington  y£sop. 

TWENTY-SIX    ILLUSTRATIONS   BY   F.  S.  CHURCH. 

Price   23    Cents. 

Everywhere  by  Book-sellers  and  News-dealers. 

No.  2. 

THE     WORLD'S 

ALMAN#AC 

FOR 

1879. 

ILLUSTRATIONS    BY   F.  S.  CHURCH. 
Price  25  Cents. 

No.  3. 

ARCHIBALD  THE  CAT, 

And  other  Sea  Yarns, 
by  "the   old   sailor." 

Price  23  Cents. 

Address  THE  WORLD,  35  Park  Row. 


Out    of    The    World"    Series.. .No.    II, 


THE 


WORLDS  ALMANIAC 


1879. 

#   Compmtuum   of  2H0eles#  ana 
Jinttvming  information^ 


WITH   ILLUSTRATIONS   BY  F.  S.  CHURCH. 


The  Story  of  Our  Laughs  from  Ear  to  Ear." 


NEW-YORK: 

PUBLISHED     BY     "THE     WORLD,"     35     PARK     ROW. 

I878. 


Entered,    according   to    Act    of   Congress,    in    the    year    1878, 

By  W.  A.  Paton,  Publisher,  35  Park  Row,  New-York, 
in    the    Office    of  the    Librarian    of   Congress,    at    Washington. 


THE  WORLD'S  ALMANIAC  FOR  1879. 


g  gong  of  the  gierm   <gera<fe. 

JT[HE  Cashier  sat  in  his  office ; 
A      His  lips  were  white  and  dry,  " 
And  ever  upon  the  big  bank-clock 

He  cast  an  anxious  eye, 
And  he  waited  for  the  tread  of  fate, — 
That  is,  of  the  President,  who  was  late. 

He  had  stolen,  forged  and  altered, 

In  hopes  to  replace  the  cash  ; 
But  there  could  be  no  more  concealment, 

It  must  come  at  last, —  the  crash! 
All  men  must  know  what  he  alone  knew, 
For  Sierra  Nevada  was  22. 

He  thought  of  his  boyhood's  happy  hours; 

His  alleged  stainless  life 
(For  he  had  a  class  in  a  Sunday-school); 

Of  the  maid  he  would  ne'er  call  wife  ; 
And  of  the  stern  old  President's  eyes. 
When  wrath  succeeded  to  shocked  surprise. 

He  thought  of  policemen  and  the  Tombs, 

And  of  the  cocoa  of  tears. 
And  mush  of  affliction  at  Sing  Sing, 

They  would  feed  him  with  for  years  — 
Long  years  ;   and  how  many  he  would  get. 
But  the  austere   President  came  not  yet. 

He  hardly  heard  with  his  nerveless  ear 

The  tick  of  the  telegraph. 
He  vacantly  saw  upon  the  tape, 

"G.O.L.D,   100^." 
Can  it  be  a  dream  ?     No  !    sure  as  fate, 
"S.I.E.R.R.A  N.E.V.A.D.A,  38." 


io  — The  World's  A  /maniac  for  1S79. — 

The  President  comes,  but  the  Cashier 
Notes  not  his  passing  through, 

For  Sierra  Nevada  still  balloons, 
"C.L.O.S.I.N.G  S.T.R.O.N.G  A.T  62 

He  bought  his  stock  at  43, 

Fifty-seven  thousand  ahead  is  he. 

And  next  day,  and  for  many  days, 
As  he  on  the  tape  doth  look, 

Sierra  Nevada  goeth  up, 

Up,  up,  UP,  like  Beecher's  book, 

And  when  to  112  it  mounts, 

He  sells  and  straightens  his  accounts. 

And  when  the  austere  President 
Shall  join,  some  time  next  spring, 

The  innumerable  caravan 

That  moves  up  to  Sing  Sing, 

Then  the  new  President  austere 

Shall  be  the  virtuous  Cashier. 


IT  was  a  worthy  pastor, 
Who  saw,  with  grief  and  care, 
His  congregation  go  to  sleep, 

Or  —  which  was  worse  —  elsewhere. 

He  pondered  long  and  deeply, 
This  wise  and  pious  man, 

And  at  last  hit  on  a  simple 
And  most  effectual  plan. 

Next  Sunday,  of  his  sermon 
The  text  when  he  had  said, 

He  slid  adown  the  pulpit  stairs 
And  stood  upon  his  bead. 

By  thousands  flocked  the  people 

That  preacher  great  to  hear. 
And  the  trustees  raised  his  salary 

To  fifty  thousand  a  J 


—  The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8jg. —  u 

§c<trte  that  §ttcs<>ed  like  @ne. 

TjE  dwelt  in   Massachusetts, 
JA     And  she  in   Muscatine ; 
And  they  liked  the  "Chimney  Corner" 
Of  the  Hogwask  Magazine. 

She  could  reverse,  eviscerate, 

And  syncopate  a  word, 
Add  two-fifths  of  a  famous  man, 

And  find  a  common  bird. 

And  he  the  thing  whose  8,  4,   1 

Was  a  flower,  and  6,  7,  2, 
11,  9,  6,  3,  14,  4, 

An  antique  city,  knew. 

She  used  to  send  solutions  in, 

And  sign  them  "  Dimple  Dew," 
While  he  successful  answers  gave 

As  •' Mountfort  Montague."' 

Cupid  o'er  Massachusetts  flew, 

And  over  Muscatine, 
And  fed  the  flame  that  gradual  grew 

With  the  Hogwask  Afagus 

Until  one  day  the  editor 

Offered  a  handsome  prize 
For  those  who  'tween  his  second  and  first, 

His  third  could  recognize. 

'•Dimple   Dew"  and  "  Montfort   Montague" 

The  sole  replies  sent  in  ; 
She  got  an  oroide  pen-handle, 

He  an  Alaska  pin. 

Their  names  upon  the  "  Roll  of  Fame  " 

Were  printed  side  by  side; 
He  from  the  editor  got  her  name, 

And  claimed  her  for  his  bride. 

"Oh.  be  my  first,"  he  wrote,  "and  I 

cond  and  my  third, 
And  my   nxteenth  and  my  finally, 
Henceforth  shall  deem  absurd." 


12  — The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8?g. — 

And  she  wrote  by  return  of  post, 

"Decapitate  a  glove, 
Prefix  an  orb  and  add  a  sheep, 

And  let  that  tell  my  love." 

He  packed  his  carpet,  2,  1,  7, 

And  went  to  Muscatine ; 
They  were  wedded,  and  they  took  a  file 

Of  the  Hog-wash  Magazine, 

And  they  spent  a  rapturous  honeymoon, 

As  blythe  as  joyous  birds, 
Finding  why  their  secotid  was  like  their  first, 
And  8,  6,  3,  4,   10,  2  was  thirst, 

And  syncopating  words. 


In  the    Spring,  a  brighter  smile   is  seen  upon  the   landlord's 

face; 
In  the  Spring,  the   agent   asks  what   you'd   like   done    about 

the   place; 
In  the  Spring,  friends  find  you  French  flats  which   they  think 

you  might  approve; 
In  the  Spring,  a  woman's  fancy  lightly  turns   to   thoughts  of 

move  ! 


Tiif.y  drove  the  glancing  needle 

Through  the  glowing  garment's  rim, 

And  they  fell  upon  their  neighbors 
And  tore  them  limb  from  limb. 

But  when  they  spoke  of  one  neighbor, 
A   woman   with  snowy   hair, 

Shame,  reverence,  and  silence 
Seemed  to  come  on  the  circle  there. 

And  up  and  spake  one  sewer, 
••  It  needless,  it  seems  to  me,  is 

,   anything  of  Mrs.  J 

All   the  \\"il*l  knows  what  she  is." 


p 


—  The  World's  Almaniac  for  1879. —  *3 

%h%  parson  mtd  lite  jffmitehioners. 


E  cougheth  and  hemmeth,  the  Parson  wan, 

I'  the  month  o'  June,  as  midsummer  comes  on, 


And  the  female  parishioners  say,  "  Poor  young 
Man,  in  the  grave  he  hath  one  lung." 

With  flagons  of  beef-tea  they  stay  him  well ;  he 
Is  comforted  with  calves'-foot  jelly. 

But  vain  are  mild  remedies  like  those  ; 
Worse  his  diaresis  diptliongice  grows. 

They  give  him  a  purse  well  filled  with  wealth, 
And  send  him  to  Europe  for  his  health. 

"  May  he  lose  at  London  and  in  Parree 
His  diaresis  dipthongice  /" 

Such  is  the  wish  on  every  tongue 

For  the  poor,  dear  parson's  dear,  poor  lung. 

11. 
When  leaves  'gin  redden  upon  the  tree, 
He  comes,  the  parson,  from  over-sea. 

His  eye  is  clear,  and  his  cheek  is  browned, 
And  in  flesh  he  hath  gained  full  forty  pound. 

A  delegation  from  out  his  flock 
Are  there  to  meet  him  at  the  dock. 

"  Now  welcome,  welcome   mote  thou  be  ! 

How  fared  thy  health  since  we  last  saw  thee?" 

"  Thanks  to  your  kindness,  my  throat  is  well ; 
I  am  cured  of  the  laryngoscopti  fell." 

They  joy  ;  but  a  crabbed  deacon  remote 
Says,  "It  was  his  lungs,  and  it  is  his  throat." 

in. 
Oh,  a  woman's  faith  is  a  thing  sublime, 
And  it  cleaves  to  her  pastor  all  the  time  ; 

But  he  should  return,  in  any  event, 

Cured  of  the  ill  that  he  had  when  he  went. 


14  — The  World's  Almaniac  for  iS/g. — 


\&k 


The  gorilla  hath  taken — hath  taken  the  hose, 
And  the  'gator  naturally  with  it  goes; 
The  pelican  well  I  can  see  can't  speak 
The  rapture  that  thrills  in  all  his  beak ; 
The  stork  from  Afric's  sunny  founts 
Cares  little  how  the  mercury  mounts, 
But  the  bear,  who  vainly  plies  his  fan, 
Remarks  profanely,  "It's  hotter  than," 
But  the  pious  monkeys  say,  "  Let  us  spray," 
The  camelopard  's  coming,  hurray,  hurray  ! 


—  The  World's  Almaniac  for  1879. —  15 


1 6  — The  World's  Al?na?iiac  for  i8?g. — 


H ft?  §in\e  of  the  ^incitnt  SJmttcr; 

Showing  How  He  Sold  the  Hempress  of  Peru's  Laces  to  a  Lady, 
and  What  Came  of  the  Transaction. 

I. 

IT  is  an  Ancient  Mariner, 
And  the  door-bell  ringeth  he : 
"By  thy  long  red  beard  and  cocked  eye, 

What  wouldest  thou  of  me?" 
He  holds  her  with  his  cocked  eye, 

His  trousers  he  doth  hitch, 
And  thus  spoke  on  that  red-haired  man, 
With  many  an  "avast"  and  "which." 

II. 

"My  ship  is  on  the  sea, — I  mean, 

My  ship  is  at  the  docks, 
And  my  boat  is  on  the  shore, — that  is, 

At  the  boarding-house  is  my  box. 
The  good  ship  "Caroline,"  eighty  days 

Is  she  from  Pernambu- 
Co,  which  she  bears  the  choicest  wares 

From  the  Kingdom  of  Peru." 
"  Peru  ?  P'r'aps  you  've  the  yellow  fe —  " 

The  lady  interjected : 
"  Avast  there — no  !   (with  a  yo-heave-ho) 

Which  the  bark  were  disinfected : 
For  they  have  slushed  her  topmasts  down, 

And  swabbed  her  magazine, 
And  she  hath  been  smoked  and  thoroughly  soaked 

With  acid  quarantine: 
Which  we,  poor  sailors,  for  three  monce 

We  cannot  draw  our  pays, 
For  the  sanguinary  nipcheese  hath 

Only  drafts  at  ninety  days  ; 
Which  my  poor  mother,  aged  86, 

Is  dying  at  New  Haven, 
And  I  wish  to  put  down  her  gray  hairs 

In  proper  style  the  grave  in  ; 
So,  belay,  ye   lubbers,  aloft,  alow," — 

A  package  forth  he  drew, — 
"  Here  is  some  lace  (with  a  yo-heave-ho) 

From  the  Hempress  of  Peru, 
Which,  to  gain  the  funds  to  homeward  go, 

I  fain  would  sell  to  you. 


The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8yg. —  17 


in. 

"  Lo,  marm,  't  is  fair,  so  fine  't  would  make 

A  nun  forget  her  vows, 
And  a  cent  of  duty  it  hath  not  paid 

At  the  gory  Custom  House. 
And  for  a  dollar  and  thirty  cents 

I  will  give  it  unto  thee ; 
Two  cents  whereof  is  to  pay  my  way 

Across  the  wild  ferrie ; 
And  $1.20  for  railroad  fare, 

And  three  poor  cents  for  beer, 
And  a  nickel  is  to  put  in  the  box 

For  the  y.   f.   sufferere.'' 


Thrice  looked  she  on  the  sailor, 

And  thrice  upon  the  lace  ; 
What  would  you  have  done,  gentle 

She-reader,  in  her  place  ? 
For  the  lace  was  fair,  and  of  value  rare, 

She  with  half  an  eye  could  view, 
She  was  getting  it  far  below  its  cost, — 

And  it  had  been  smuggled  too. 
She  went  and  got  her  pocket-book, 

From  beneath  her  bed-bolstere  ; 
She  paid  the  cash,  and  the  lace   took 

From  the  Ancient   Marinere. 


v. 

It  had  not  been  but  minutes  five, — 

But  five,  or  barely  ten, 
When  the  lady  at  her  good  door-bell 

Heard  some  one  ring  again  ; 
And  there  entered  in  a  stalwart  man, 

A  sallow  man  and    brown, 
Wearing  a  most  brigandish  hat. 

And  a  most   brigandish    frown. 
"  Madam,  within  a  half  an  hour, 

There  hath  been   with  you  here  — 
Yon  chair  is  warm,  though  the  bird  hath  flown  — 

An  Ancient   Marinere. 
Deny  it  not,  for  we  have  piped 

And  shadowed  him  days  and  nights, 
And  followed  him  round,  like  the  sleuth,  sleuth  hound, 

And  gotten  him  dead   to  rights." 
3 


18  — The  World's  A /maniac  for  i8yg. — 


The  lady  sank  into  a  chair, 
And  a  heavy  sigh  she  drew, 

And  said,  with  a  courage  of  despair, 
"Well,  what  is  that  to  you?" 


VI. 

"This,  madam,"  said  the  gloomy  man, — 

"  This,  madam,  nothing  more  ; 
I  am  a  signal  officer 

In  the  Secret  Service  corps. 
I  am  sworn  to  hunt  unto  the  death 

The  malefactors  who, 
By  law  unawed,  attempt  to  defraud 

The  U.  S.   Revenue. 
That  Ancient  Mariner  stole  the  lace 

Of  the  Hempress  of  Peru, 
And  smuggled  it  on  the  "  Caroline," 

Eighty  days  from  Pernambu- 
Co,  and  I  fear — since  I  've  tracked  him  here- 

He  hath  sold  it  unto  you. 


"  I  feel  for  you,"  said  the  officer, 

"  For  I  do  not  think  you  saw 
At  the  time  how  grave  were  the  penalties 

You  incurred  beneath  the  law. 
If  you  have  the  Rev.  Stats.   U.  S.  here  — 

You  haven't?     Never  mind; 
But  in  sec.  4018 

And  cap.    14,  you  '11  find, 
*  Whosoever  aideth  or  abets 

In  smuggling,  he  or  she 
(Against  the  people  of  the  U.   S., 

Their  peace  and  dignity), 
Shall  be  guilty  of  low  treason,  and 

Mesne-process  felony.' 
And  —  further  down  on  the  left-hand  page, 

If  your  book's  the  same  as  mine  — 
You  '11  find  the  penalty  prescribed, 

$10,000  fine, 
With  costs,  and  with  imprisonment 

From  five  to  fifteen  years, 
At  the  discretion  of  the  Court." 

The  dame  burst  into  tears  ; 
"Take  your  old  lace — I'm  sick  of  it  — 

And  your  Ancient  Marineres." 


— The  World's  Almaniac  for  187Q. —  19 


"  Madam,"  the  gcod  detective  said, 

'*  Pray  you  control  your  grief, 
The  corpus  delicti  I  will  tie 

In  this  here  handkerchief. 
Now  I  will  mark  it  '  Exhibit  A,' 

And  in  the  sweet  by  and  by 
When  the  smuggler  's  ta'en  you  must  be  there 

The  goods  to  identify; 
And  herein  fail  not,  lest  you  would 

Incur  the  penalty 
Prescribed  in  the  statutes  sus.  per  coll. 

Cap.  ad  sat.   and  facias  fi. 
I  will  see  the  Attorney  and  Circuit  Judge 

And  the   U.   S.    Marshal,  too, 
And  have  them  remit  the    penalties 

They  might  inflict  on  you. 
I  will  bid  them  join  in  a  social  glass, 

And  strongly  represent 
You  in  the  matter  were  innocent 

Of  any  wrong  intent. 
It  will  only  cost  you  fifty  cents, 

If  you  have  it  handy  here, 
For  though  Marshal,  Attorney,  and  Judge  take  rye, 

I  drink  the  humble  beer. 


"  And  now,  farewell,  good  madam, 

Farewell  and  do  not  fear ; 
I  must  arrest,  ere  Sol  sinks  i'  th'  west, 

That  Ancient   Marinere. 
Ah,  little  you  know  of  the  watchfulness 

Of  the  secret  service  corps ; 
See  you  yon  pseudo  book-agent 

At  your  next-door  neighbor's  door  ? 
He  passes  by,  he  meets   my  eye, 

Yet  does  not  affect  to  know  me  ; 
Still   he  is  my  e-mis-sa-ry, 

An  officer  below  me. 
See  you  yon  man  in  reverie 

Against  yon  lamppost  sunk? 
To  you  he  seems  a  car-driver 

About  three-quarters  drunk. 
But  had   I   to  an  ambushed  foe 

While  in  your  house  been  betrayed, 
One  blast  upon  my  whistle-horn 


20  — The  World's  A /maniac  for  i8jg. — 

Had  brought  him  to  my  aid. 
I  merely  mention  this  to  show 

What  you  have  not  dreamed  before, 
The  singular  efficiency 

Of  the  Secret  Service  Corps, 
Which  hears  each  word  that  you  can  say, 

Sees  each  act  that  you  can  do 
When  in  contravention  of  the  laws 

Of  the  U.   S.   Revenue. 
Farewell,  that  Ancient  Mariner, 

Ere  the  skies  of  sunset  pale, 
Shall  be  behind  the  gloomy  grate 

Of  Ludlow  street  its  jail." 


He  went,  that  Signal  Officer, 

On  the  Ancient  Mariner's  trace, 
Peering  with  twenty-eagle  power 

Into  each  suspicious  place. 
I  am  happy — if  the  lady 

Is  a  reader — to  say  to  her 
That  he  captured  the  daring  smuggler; 

At   least,  so  I  infer, 
For  at  night-fall  I  beheld  them 

A  wet-goods  store  within. 
Engaged  were  they  in  deep  debate 

O'er  an  amicable  gin. 
When  they  had  lubricated 

Sufficiently  their  throats, 
They  made  an  equal  division 

Of  a  goodly  roll  of  notes. 
"  To-morrow,"  that  stern    detective 

Of  the  Secret  Service  Corps 
Said  to  the  Ancient  Mariner, 

"  We  '11  work  the  old  thing  once  more. 


Fatherland — Pa-trie. 

An  abstract  science — Pocket-picking. 

Flat  burglary — Breaking  into  a  French  tenement  house. 

The    height  of  absurdity — diving  to  dead-head  one's  way  on 

the  street-cars  by  representing  <>ne\  sell  to  be  a  spotter. 


—  The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8jg. —  21 

,gr$derick  md  the  ^illeij  of  §mm  gauci. 

FREDERICK  THE  GREAT,  having  resolved  to  build  for 
himself  a  regal  palace  at  Potsd n,  was  surprised  and  dis- 
gusted to  find  that  a  Miller  who  owned  the  adjacent  property  of 
Sans  Souci  was  unwilling  to  part  with  it  save  at  an  extravagant 
valuation.  To  all  threats,  offers  and  blandishments  he  was  proof. 
The  cunning  monarch  thereupon  decided  to  accomplish  by  strat- 
agem what  he  could  not  compass  by  force  or  flattery,  and, 
affecting  great  admiration  for  his  plebeian  neighbor's  character, 
requested  the  privilege,  as  a  trifling  testimonial  of  his  regard, 
of  being  permitted  to  fit  the  Miller's  residence  throughout  with 
all  the  modern  conveniences.  The  unsuspecting  Miller  gladly 
accepted  this  offer,  and  the  Court  Plumber  speedily  did  the 
work,  which,  the  King  frequently  said  to  the  owner  of  the  prop- 
erty, "shall  not  cost  you  a  cent."  About  three  weeks  later  the 
hot-water  pipe  in  the  range  got  out  of  order,  and  the  Miller  sent 
for  the  Court  Plumber.                      *  *         Before  the  roses 

bloomed  again,  the  Miller  had  gone  over  the  hills  to  the  Poor- 
house,  and  the  King  had  purchased  his  mill  at  a  comparatively 
low  figure  from  the  Court  Plumber,  who  had  taken  it  in  part 
payment  of  his  bill.  To  his  dying  day  the  witty  monarch 
declared  that  his  words  had  come  true— the  modern  conven- 
iences had  not  cost  the  Miller  a  cent,  but  only  a  mill. 


THERE  was  a  jolly  pastor  once 
That  purchased  a  degree  ; 

Said  he,  "  Nobody  cares  for  any  one 
That  is  n't  a  D.  D." 


"  It  's  typhoid!  "  "To  me  it  seems  more  like  diphtheria." 
"Diphtheria?  Pooh-pooh!  all  the  symptoms  indicate  typhoid." 
"Typhoid  ?  Ha,  ha  I  To  you  perhaps,  but  any  one  with  half 
an  eye  can  see  differently.''  "  It  's  typhoid  !  "  '"Diphtheria!" 
"  Go  on,  go  on  ;  we  11  have  the  post-mortem  next  week  and 
then  we  '11  see  who  's  right." 

* 

A  nf.w  I  Art.— Whenever  a  death-watch    is  intro- 

duced in  a  modern  novel,  it  should  be  a  stem-winder,  and  open- 
faced.      Waltham  preferred. 


22  — The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8yg. — 

(^incitumtits. 

CINCINNATUS  having  quitted  (by  a  g.  m.  for  the  other  can- 
didate) public  life,  retired  to  his  Sabine  farm,  where  he  assid- 
uously devoted  himself,  in  the  presence  of  reporters,  corre- 
spondents and  artists  for  the  illustrated  papers,  to  the  cultivation 
of  prize  cabbages  that  cost  him  ten  talents  apiece,  when  better 
ones  could  have  been  purchased  in  the  neighboring  mart  of 
Volturnum  for  a  beggarly  denarius. 

The  country  shortly  afterwards  being  in  danger,  the  eyes  of 
the  citizens  were  turned  (by  the  political  managers)  upon  Cin- 
cinnatus  as  a  candidate  who  would  run  ahead  of  his  ticket,  and 
he  was  nominated  on  the  first  regular  ballot,  the  nomination,  on 
motion  of  the  Edile  L.  Marcius  Mucilaginus,  being  made  unan- 
imous, a  committee  of  three  being  appointed  to  wait  upon  the 
candidate  and  notify  him  of  the  convention's  action. 

The  aged  hero,  beholding  them  rein  in  their  foaming  chargers 
at  his  gate,  bade  his  slaves  see  that  the  Falernian  had  been 
kept  on  snow  from  Soractus  (the  pious  customs  of  the  people 
prescribing  that  on  such  solemn  occasions  a  libation  -should  be 
set  up),  and  having  wreathed  the  fragrant  hay-seed  in  his  hair, 
and  thrust  his  toga  into  the  tops  of  his  sandals,  adjured  his 
steers,  in  a  voice  of  thunder,  to  gee,  haw,  etc. 

The  delegates,  having  been  informed  that  ole  Marse  Cincin- 
natus  was  ploughing  in  the  medder  lot,  made  their  way  thither, 
and  approached  the  patriot  across  the  even  furrows. 

"  Get  out'n  here !  get  out'n  here!  "  exclaimed  the  hero,  as 
he  halted  his  smoking  steers.  "  I  don't  want  no  Osage  orange 
hedges,  artesian  wells,  wire  fences,  Norway  oats — nothin',  and 
if  the  far-darting  Zeus  from  the  sacred  top  of  Olympus  wants  to 
smite  my  new  barn  with  his  thunderbolts,  do  you  s'pose  he's 
going  to  let  a  quarter-inch  copper  wire,  even  if  it  has  a  platinum 
point,  stand  in  his  road?     Git!  " 

"  Bounce,  but  hear  us,"  exclaimed  the  leader  of  the  delegation, 
as  he  stretched  forth  his  hand  ;  "  the  country  is  in  danger,  and 
it  is  the  duty  of  every  good  citizen  to " 

"Pull  down  thy  toga  1"  cried  the  hero,  with  ineffable  dis- 
gust :  "  Have  we  Cicero  here  ?  I  have  n't  registered  nor  paid  my 
poll-tax,  and  no  matter  who  it  is  you  are  running  for  tribune  I 
have  n't  a  vote.  Besides,  what  has  my  country  done  for  me, 
eh?  The  foul  plebeians  rent  the  air  with  cries  of  Cttsarism  !  ' 
'No  third  term!'  and  the  like,  after  I  had  secured  the  Veii 
nomination,  and  I  hardly  carried  a  single  province.  What  art 
thou  giving  me  ?  Lemme  me  go  on  with  my  midsummer 
ploughing  like  an  honest  farmer." 

"  O,  CincinnatUS,  sprung  from  ancestral  kings,  our  protector 
and  sweet  ornament,    exclaimed  the  orator,  "  we  have  posted 


— The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8yg. —  23 

hither  to  inform  thee  that  at  the  Democratic  Convention  to-day 
thou  wert  nominated  for  Consul  by  acclamation,  and  the  sacred 
augurs  have  divined  from  the  entrails  of  the  sacrifices  that  thou 
shalt  be  elected  without  any  need  of  an  Electoral  Commission. 
Nay,  more ;  as  we  rode  hither  by  the  Mount  of  Aventine  we 
beheld  thrice  three  vultures  upon  our  left,  and  a  lioness — this  is 
no  circus  puff— hath  whelped  in  the  Capitol." 

"  'Sthat  so  ?  "  said  the  ancient  hero  ;  and,  dropping  his  ox-goad, 
he  drew  from  the  breast-pocket  of  his  toga  a  roll  of  papyrus, 
and  began  :  "  Patres  conscripti,  this  unexpected  announcement 
finds  me  entirely  unprepared,"  etc. 

They  had  a  hard-cider  and   log-cabin  campaign,  and  elected 
him  in  triumph :  thus  Rome  was  saved. 


g ft?  <§ choal  <#t/?f 

Wilis  alarming  disease  (which  fortunately  is  not  often  fatal)  is 
A  epidemic  among  children  attending  the  public  schools,  and 
usually  manifests  itself  with  the  greatest  virulence  early  in 
September. 

Symptoms. —  The  patient  who  went  to  bed  over-night  in  per- 
fect health,  complains  upon  wakening  of  lassitude,  loss  of 
appetite,  and  alarming  pains  in  the  head  and  throat.  The 
symptoms  are  aggravated  towards  8.30  A.  M.,  and  in  a  few 
minutes  the  disease  reaches  a  crisis.  Mental  composure  being 
restored  by  permission  to  remain  from  school,  the  patient  shows 
signs  of  recovery,  his  appetite  returning,  and  by  10  o'clock  he  is 
able  to  take  gentle  exercise  on  a  cellar-door,  or  in  connection 
with  a  hoop.  A  relapse,  however,  is  to  be  expected  immediately 
after  dinner  and  before  afternoon  school,  with  the  same  symp- 
toms that  preluded  the  first  attack,  though  severer  in  degree. 
Towards  2  o'clock  the  patient  is  out  of  danger,  but  from  time  to 
time  the  disease  is  likely  to  recur. 

Treatment. —  Put  the  clock  on  an  hour.  In  severe  cases 
apply  stimulating  embrocations  of  slipper  or  trunk-strap.  Let 
nature  not  have  its  course. 


Shakespeare,  in  his  way  and  day,  was  by  no  means  an  unsuc- 
cessful dramatist ;  but  there  is  no  saying  to  what  pinnacles  of 
fame  he  might  not  have  soared  if  he  had  taken  the  simple  pre- 
caution of  having  ■'  Hamlet  "  and  "Macbeth  "  properly  adver- 
tised by  an  injunction  suit  prior  to  their  first  presentation. 


24 


■The  World's  Alma niac  for  18/Q. 


"He  made,"  they  say,  "his  living  off  of  us, 
And  we  shall  live  on  him  now  we  are  able ; 

Thus  Esop  comes  to  the  Esophagus — 

Doth  warmly  furnish  the  Thanksgiving  table. 

Now  do  the  turkeys  hold  high  festival 
And  muster  mirthful  to  their  rich  repast : 

The  convives  first  shall  to  their  dinner  fall, 
And — as  he  carves — the  gobbler  to  his  last. 


The  World's  Almaniac  for  ifyp.- 


-5 


26  — The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8jg. — 


penciling  the  §owtg  gdex. 

'"TjTTKXTIOX,  children!*'  said  the  principal,  entering  the 
/I  class-room,  followed  by  a  stranger  ;  "  this  gentleman  will 
ask  you  a  few  questions  in  arithmetic.  He  is  the  superintend- 
ent of  schools  at  Mule  Gulch,  Nevada,  that  great  Western  State 
of  which  you  have  so  often  heard." 

"  Which  his  name  are  Dodd  —  Shorty  Dodd,"  said  the  visitor, 
and  mounting  the  platform  he  drew  a  bowie-knife  from  his  boot- 
leg and  tapped  for  attention  on  the  desk.  "  We  will  now 
proceed  to  do  a  sum  in  simple  edition.  A  gentleman  who  had  a 
head  on  him  from  last  night,  met  another  gentleman  in  the  Dew 
Drop  Inn,  who  put  a  head  on  him.  How  many  heads  did  that 
gentleman  have  on  him  ?  '  Three  !  '  Now  you  're  talking.  We 
will  next  proceed  to  substractiqn.  Wall-eyed  Bob  had  five  fin- 
gers on  his  left  hand  (including  his  thumb)  when  he  injudiciously 
called  Buckskin  Joe  a  limping  mule.  Buckskin  Joe  drawed  his 
eleven-inch  tooth-pick,  and  the  barkeeper  subsequently  swept 
up  two  fingers.  How  many  fingers  had  Wall-eyed  Bob  left  ? 
'Three!  '  You  're  right,  and  1  've  $500  here  in  this  little 
pocket-book  that  says  you  are." 

"  We  generally  do  these  sums  in  apples  and  other  domestic 
fruit,"  said  the  principal,  timidly. 

"  Quite  right,  quite  right,"  said  the  gentleman  from  the  far 
West,  "  but  my  plan  is  universally  admitted  to  be  more  national — 
more  patriotic.  It  was  criticised  some  at  our  last  convention  at 
Gallows  Forks,  but  a  majority  favored  it,  and  the  gentleman 
which  opposed  it  walks  with  a  crutch  yet.  Now  then,  kids, 
hump  yourselves  for  a  problem  in  multiplication  and  edition. 
A  gentleman  held  a  full  at  a  social  game  of  poker  —  three  nines 
and  two  sevens;  how  many  spots  was  on  his  cards  ?  '  Forty- 
one  !  '  Surely !  Mister,  your  class  is  no  slouch  of  a  class  at 
'rithmetic.  I  will  just  give  the  kids  one  more  —  an  easy  one. 
Five  hoss-thieves  had  operated  for  five  days  before  the  Vigilantes 
hung  them,  and  had  stolen  twenty-eight  head  of  stock.  How 
many  hosses  a  day  did  each  hoss-thief  steal  ?  '  One  and  three- 
twenty-fifths  of  a  boss!'  Right,  and  if  any  man  says  you 
ain't,  don't  take  it  from  him,  if  he  \s  as  big  as  a  grain-elevator. 
Now,  mister  man,  trot  out  your  class  in  moral  philosophy  !  " 

* 

"WALKED  -ixty-six  miles  between  daylight  and  dusk,  over  a 

rough  country  road — O,  no  you  did  n't." 

••  I 'id  n't  I.  then  !      Just  ask  Smith.      lie  was  with  me." 

"  O,  if  Smith   was  with  you,  I   don't    say    you  did  n't.      That 

only  made  33  miles  apiece,  and  any  one  can  do  that." 


■The  World's  Afaianiac  for  i8yg. —  27 


§£alkgmnd  mid  the  Ranker* 

PRIXCE   Talleyrand   once    said,   addressing    the    respected 
President  of  a  Savings  Bank  : 
"  Mon  ami,  you  do  not  know  how  to  pick  oakum?" 
"  No,  your  Excellency,''  was  the  reply. 

"  Quelle  triste  vieillesse  vous  vous  prepare z  !  What  a  sad  old 
age  you  are  preparing  for  yourself!  "  said  the  great  diplo- 
matist, with  his  peculiar  mocking  smile. 


fTlic  getuhqt  gaptr  §itt(ggcr. 


I 


T  was  a  Paper  Hangger, 
Moved  easily  to  anger, 


Was  fitting  up  the  parlor 
Of  two  old  maids.     A  snarler 

Was  either,  and  one  hostess 
Was  'leaf  as  any  post  i-. 

The  one  of  them  that  bossed  him, 
She  so  perplexed  and  crossed  him, 

With  plan,  request,  suggestion, 
Entirely  out  of  question, 

That  each  time  on  his  ladder 
He  clambered  he  got  madder; 

And,  at  last,   when  she  went  out  of 
The  room,  he  launched  a  shout  of 

Exceeding  rage  and  rancor. 

'•The  blank-dashed  blank,  dash  blank  her. 

When  lo !   unto  his  oreille 

The  breeze  a  murmur  bore.  "I  — 

-   your  pardon,   Mr., 
The  deaf  one  is  my  sister." 


28  — The  World's  Almatiiac  for  i8yg.- 


Jtyra/g*. 


yPHE  great  philosopher,  Socrates,  the  patentee  of  that  system 
A  for  concealing  the  ignorance  of  one's  self  by  exposing  that  of 
the  other  disputant,  the  Socratic  method,  as  he  was  passing  along 
the  street,  beheld  an  Athenian  mowing  his  lawn,  and  desiring, 
as  he  said, —  for  he  always  loved  to  season  his  morning  walk 
and  conversation  with  attic  salt, —  to  lawn-mower  of  the  subject, 
questioned  the  man  as  follows  : 

"  What  you  doing  ?  " 

"  Mowing  the  grass." 

"  What  with  ?  " 

"A  lawn-mower." 

"  Where  'd  you  buy  it  ?  " 

"At  'Htoxxomouroson's,  in  the  Piraeus." 

"  What  'd  he  charge  you,  hey  ?  " 

"Fourteen  tetadrachmas." 

"  Don't  you  think  it  was  too  much  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  guess  not." 

"Why?" 

The  sage  having  thus  given  the  sophist  an  unanswerable 
poser  and  exposed  the  wretched  man's  ignorance,  took  up 
another  branch  of  the  subject,  when  the  following  conversation 
ensued : 

"  Whose  patent  is  it  ?  " 

"  Menelodon  and  Co's." 

"  Why  did  n't  you  get  the  Bos  Athenian  ?  " 

"  'Cause  I  preferred  this." 

"  Why  did  you  prefer  this  ?  " 

"  Because  I  wanted  to." 

"  Why  did  you  want  to  ?  " 

'"Cause  I  preferred  this." 

The  philosopher  paused  here  triumphantly,  to  call  the  atten- 
tion of  two  of  his  pupils  to  the  fact  that  the  wretched  sophist 
was  arguing  in  a  vicious  circle,  said  : 

"  I  'm  a  terror  on  sophists,  I  tell  ye,"  and  continued  : 

"  Why  do  you  push  that  machine  ?  " 

"Because  I  like  to." 

"  Why  do  you  like  to  ?  " 

"Dun  no." 

"  How  does  the  old  tiling  work  ?  " 

"None  of  your  blamed  business." 

"  Why  don't  you  cut  the  grass  with  a  pair  of  shears  and  a 
jack-knife  ?  " 

Silence,  amid  which  the  blue  waves  of  the  Egean  could  be 
heard  lapping  the  sunny  shore. 

"Why  don't  you  hire  a  helot  to  do  it,  hey?" 


—  The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8yg. —  29 

No  answer. 

"  I  reckon  he  is  driven  up  a  grove  of  sacred  pines,"  said  the  phil- 
osopher, benevolently,  to  his  pupils;  "then,"  he  continued,  "  I 
will  ask  him  just  one  more, —  an  easy  one," — and  he  said  : 

"Why " 

Here  the  Athenian  citizen,  crying,  "  Who  are  you,  anyhow  ? 
What  blank  business  of  yours  is  it,  anyway  ?  What  are  you 
giving  me  ?  What  do  you  take  me  for  ?  You  just  get  out  of 
here,  p.  d.  q.,  or  you  '11  never  feel  gout  again,"  charged  upon 
the  philosopher  with  his  lawn-mower,  as  when  the  chieftains  of 
Scythia  urge  their  scythe-armed  chariots  upon  the  foe. 

Socrates,  who  in  his  youth  had  repeatedly  obtained  the  vic- 
tor's crown  in  the  sprint-races  at  Olympia,  and  who  —  thanks 
to  his  temperate  life  —  was  always  in  training,  easily  eluded  his 
foe,  and,  taking  refuge  in  the  temple  of  Neptune,  said  to  his 
pupils  : 

"  You  see  he  had  to  adopt  the  Socratic  method  too  ?  None 
genuine  without  my  name  on  the  wrapper." 

Some  weeks  later,  as  the  Athenian  citizen,  who  preferred  his 
lawn  a  la  mowed,  was  walking  in  the  public  square,  he  beheld 
a  large  crowd  assembled,  and,  on  asking  the  reason,  was  informed 
that  the  eminent  philosopher  Socrates  was  being  judged  of  the 
people.  There  was,  his  informant  said,  a  tie  vote  and  the  poll 
would  close  immediately. 

"  Give  me  a  shell  !  "  said  the  citizen,  excitedly ;    '■'  a  big  one  — 
a  Saddle  Rock." 

It  was  handed  to  him,  and  he  wrote  thereon  in  big  letters, 
"Death  !  "  and  cast  it  into  the  urn.  The  customary  proclama- 
tion, "  Hemlock  for  one !  "  having  been  made,  the  illustrious 
victim  was  led  away,  saying,  as  he  passed  the  citizen  : 

"  What  did  you  do  that  for  ?  Oh,  you  don't  know  :  well, 
why  don't  you  know  ?  " 

* 

The  suite  by  and  by— A  French  flat  next  May. 
The  biggest  mosquito  is  the  one  that  gets  away. 
A  merry  Hart  is  a  continual  feast— Robin  Hood. 
The  world  is  governed  too  much. — Justus  Schwab. 
The  original  pooling  of  issues  took  place  at  Bethesda. 
Let  the  dead  past  bury  its  dead — we  will  cremate  ours. 
"  Don't  give  up  the  schooner  !  " — Lawrence  on  his  bier. 


30  — The  World's  Almaniac  for  1879. — 


JPr  Woman  (Question. 

i       20 — Who 
At     1      30— What  Is  He  ? 

(      40 — Where 


It  is  curious  to  speculate  as  to  what  might  have  been  the 
course  of  history  if  Abraham,  previous  to  the  destruction  of 
Sodom  and  Gomorrah,  had  had  the  experience  of  modern  agri- 
culturists. In  that  case  he  would  have  mistaken  the  three  men 
who  approached  his  tent  on  the  plains  of  Mam  re  for  tree-ped- 
dlers or  lightning-rod  agents,  and  future  generations  would  not 
have  had  to  remember  Lot's  wife. 


With  ill-concealed  uneasiness, 
A  new-made  son-in-law, 

A  friend's  revolver  handling, 
His  spouse's  mother  saw. 

He  fidgeted  and  worried 
Till  his  friend  said  in  his  ear: 

"Compose  yourself,  old  fellow, 
It 's  loaded — never  fear  !  " 


(77^  Hull  in  the  (flrinu  §hoy> 

IS  BULL,  finding  himself  in  a  China  Shop,  was  induced  by 
/l  the  attendant  Salesman  (who  was  unable  to  escape)  to  ex- 
amine some  Little  Brown  fugs  and  Pictures  wherewith  to 
decorate  them.  While  he  was  engaged  in  this  aesthetic  Oc- 
cupation, a  Breathless  Policeman  entered  the  Shop,  and,  after 
nteen  unsuccessful  attempts,  shot  him  through  his  (house- 
hold) I  lenrl. 

Moral— The   Fable  teaches  us  thai    Precious  Lime  maybe 
Wasted  ovr.  Keramii 


The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8yg. —  31 


JP?  Slcmgoosi*  unci  th$  j£atra. 

HI  MOXGOOSE,  engaged  in  single  Combat  with  a  Cobra, 
/*■  called  "Thyme  !  "  in  order  to  refresh  itself  with  a  Medici- 
nal Herb,  then,  feeling  itself  well  healed,  was  about  to  renew 
the  Contest,  when  the  Serpent  proposed  that  they  should  form 
a  Partnership  for  the  Manufacture  and  Sale  of  Vegetable  Bit- 
ters. His  subtle  Advice  being  followed,  and  the  Virtues  of 
their  Compound  painted  upon  the  most  inaccessible  Precipices 
of  the  Himalayas,  the  Partners  did  not  fail  speedily  to  acquire 
a  Gigantic  Fortune. 

Moral.  —  Sweet   are    the     Uses    of    Advertising — Especially 
Bitters. 


(f  Ifc    (Oiuniomtcd   Q)rtrich. 

TIN  Ostrich,  being  asked  her  Opinion  of  the  October  Elec- 
/A  tions,  thrust  her  Head  beneath  the  Sands  of  the  Desert, 
and  replied  that,  so  far  as  she  could  see  at  present,  they  were 
entirely  without  Significance. 

Moral. — The  Truth  is  not  to  be  Proken  in  all  Cases  to  vour 
Readers.  3 


§h$  Vcifuitih  (fliiimckon  mti  the  llild  c7.w. 

TJ  VERSATILE  Chameleon,  having  induced  a  Wild  Ass 
/A  of  the  Desert  to  join  him  in 'snuffing  up  the  East 
Wind,  the  patient  Quadruped,  after  a  lengthened  Trial  of  the 
Diet,  complained  of  its  Pack  of  Nutrition.  "  Do  you  live  upon 
Air,  Ibrayvou?"  he  at  last  said  to  his  Companion.  "Why, 
frankly  replied  the  Chameleon;  "that  is  the  Popular 
impression,  but,  over  and  above  my  Official  Salary,  I  salt  away 
a  few  Flies  and  other  Perquisites."  "  Why,  then,"  wheezed 
the  long-eared  Brute,  who  had  brayed  himself  hoarse  during 
the  Campaign,  "did  you  expect  me  to  live  on  Air?"  "  O, 
because  you  are  an  Ass,"  airily  answered  the  Chameleon. 

Moral. — This  Fable  Explains  how  a  Man  can  pay  $6,000  to 
get  a  $5,000  Office,  spend  his  Salary  for  House-rent,  and  Retire 
Rich. 


32  — The  World 's  A /maniac  for  1879. — 


$[hc  ^LmUtious  §nll  mid  the  jgfapr***  1&*in* 

SZT  HORNY-HEADED  Bull,  fired  with  Ambition  to  become  a 
fJL  Railroad  King,  undertook  to  butt  an  Express  Train  into 
the  Swamp.  He  failed  in  his  Enterprise,  however,  and  returned 
to  the  dear  old  Homestead  in  the  Condition  of  Jerked  Beef  a  la 
Mud. 

Moral. — The  Foregoing  Fable  conveys  a  Warning  to  Rural 
Folk  to  Stick  to  the  Farm  and  avoid  Taking  Flyers  in  Rail- 
roads. 


A  farmer  had  seven  daughters, 

And  but  little  else  he  had  ; 
And  the  girls  all  had  good  appetites; 

And  times  were  very  bad. 

He  bribed  the  county  paper 

To  say  in  his  cellar's  mold 
He  had  hidden,  being  a  miser, 

Seven  kegs  of  red,  red  gold. 

He  thought  he  knew  human  nature, 

That  farmer  and  he  smiled 
When  down  the  seventh  rope-ladder  he 

Saw  elope  his  seventh  child. 

But  it  is  extremely  doubtful 

If  at  the  time  he  foresaw 
Their  return  with  his  fourteen  grandchildren 

And  seven  sons-in-law. 


jThe  §mf  mi  th<{  ^junction. 

TT  HEN,  having  a  new  Egg  in  process  of  Rehearsal,  being 
/A  desirous  of  obtaining  for  its  First  Appearance  the  widest 
Publicity,  consulted  a  wise  old  Rooster,  who  advised  her  to  have 
the  Egg  henjoined.  "  But,"  hazarded  the  simple  Fowl,  "I 
want  to  cackle  about  it."  "So  you  can,  my  dear,*'  replied  the 
Gallinaceous  Patriarch  ;  "the  Injunction  is  to  attract  the  Wider 
Audience  that  would  not  hear  you  cackle  " 

Moral— Go  to  the  Hen,  thou  Dramatist:  Consider  her  Ways, 
and  Be  Wise. 


—  The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8jg. —  33 

JP?£  "§en  and  the  Jlmcricm  !Qumori§L 

TTX  American  Humorist,  chancing  to  encounter  a  Hen, 
/i  said  to  her  :  "  Science  teaches  us  that  you  contain,  on  an 
Average,  Three  hundred  and  eighty-two  Eggs ;  when  you  have 
Laid  these,  what  becomes  of  you?"  "I  am  usually  decapi- 
tated and  sold  for  a  Spring  Chicken,"  replied  the  truthful  Fowl, 
and,  she  added  significantly,  "  /,  alas,  cannot  lay  the  same  Egg 
over  again,  or  Lecture." 

Moral. — "What  a  Piece  of  Work  is  a  Hen  !  How  noble  in 
Reason  !  How  infinite  in  Faculties  !  "  Omelet,  Prince  of  Hen- 
mark. 


ghc  §rahmitj  ill\o  T)iul  §een  ghe  ghplmnt. 

TJ  BRAHMIX,  who  had  been  to  See  the  Elephant,  returned, 
[*■  and  to  his  open-mouthed  Congregation  described  the  Ani- 
mal as  surprising  within  himself  the  principal  Characteristics 
of  the  Tiger,  Bulbul,  Rhinoceros,  Shark,  Boa  Constrictor  and 
Peacock.  "'They  will  hardly  recognize  you,"  said  the  other 
Inmates  of  the  Jungle.  "Nevermind — I'll  recognize  them," 
said  the  old  Rogue,  sardonically,  and  charging  (with  the  Gait  of 
'Elephant)  upon  a  Procession  of  Bald-headed  Pilgrims,  he  left 
most  of  them  dead  at  his  feet. 

Moral. — So  much  for  the  Buckingham. 


gft%5  Qot  (Bcticnilln  lu\onn. 

That  Paul  was  the  first  author  that  addressed  himself  to  the 
Gentile  Reader : 

That  the  animals  in  the  Ark  were  all  at  sexes  and  sevens  : 

That  Dalila  was  the  first  female  barber,  and  got  Sampson 
where  the  hair  was  short : 

That  the  Judge  failed  to  marry  Miss  Muller  because  he  could 
not  stand  his  prospective  mother-in-law— (Ma'-ed  Muller — 
See  ?  ) : 

That  Cpesar  loved  his  quid,  and  in  his  mantle  muffling  up  his 
face,  even  at  the  base  of  Pompey's  statue,  said,  "A  chew,  Brute!" 


34  — The  World's  A /maniac  for  i8jg.- 


~is^$&- 


A  FROG  he  would  a-moving  go 

Where  there  was  more  room  and  rentX  were  low, 

So  off  he  went  in  his  new  silk  hat, 
And  on  the  way  he  dwellings  looked  at. 

Toadstool  to  Let,"  the  landlord  sung;  he 
Still  thought  the  prospect  far  from  fungi. 

They  offered  him  dwellings  too  cold  and  damp 

(For  the  plastering  was  new), 
So  he  has  gone  back  to  the  dismal  swamp 

For  another  year  or  two. 


/,,'^Vu*r* 


—  The  World's  Alma?iiac  for  iSyg. 


35 


36  — The  World's  Abnaniac  for  1879. — 


(^altttnbuH  md  the  Jggg. 

COLUMBUS,  while  at  the  court  of  Castile,  being  unable  to 
induce  any  of  the  grandees  to  take  a  hand  at  cards  with  him, 
cast  about  for  some  other  method  of  obtaining  the  funds  neces- 
sary for  the  equipment  of  his  squadron,  and  soon  hit  upon  a 
notable  plan. 

One  day,  when  the  courtiers  were  gathered  around  the  stately 
monarch,  he  adroitly  turned  the  conversation  upon  feats  of  dex- 
terity, then  casually  drawing  an  egg  from  his  doublet,  said  he 
would  bet  two  doubloons  and  a  half  none  of  them  could  make 
that  egg  stand  on  one  end  on  the  table. 

"  Ha!  '  laughed  the  light-hearted  Roderigo  d'Ossuna.  Queen 
Isabella's  favorite  page,  "  by  my  fay,  thou  seekest  a  soft  thing, 
but  I  have  a  hundred  rose  moidores  in  that"— and  he  flung  a 
purse  filled  with  gold  upon  the  table — "  which  say  that  thou 
canst  not  do  it  neither." 

"  I  take  that,  seiior,"  said  Columbus,  as  he  drew  from  his 
wallet  several  treasury  notes  of  large  denominations ;  "  does 
any  other  grandee  want  to  come  in  ?  " 

"  Conversation  is  cheap,  but  money  talks,"  said,  sententiously, 
the  saturnine  Ruy  Gomez  d'Ollapodrida  y  Hacienda,  Hereditary 
Grand  Cup-bearer  of  the  Empire,  as  he  placed  upon  the  table 
a  bag  containing  ten  thousand  ducats.  Other  members  of  the 
gay  court  speedily  followed  his  example,  and  in  a  few  moments 
the  table  was  heaped  high  with  gold,  silver,  precious  stones, 
certified  checks,  jewels  and  golden  chains. 

Columbus,  with  a  smile  of  conscious  superiority,  took  the  tiny 
product  of  the  hen  and  jammed  it  down  upon  the  table  with  such 
force  as  to  break  in  the  end;  then,  removing  his  hand,  showed 
that  the  egg  was  standing. 

"  If  there  is  any  other  athletic  sport  with  which  ye  are 
acquainted,  gentles."  he  said  softly  as  he  began  to  empty  his 
winnings  into  a  three-bushel  bag  which  he  drew  from  his  doub- 
let, "  I  beseech  ye  of  your  courtesy  that  ye  will  mention  it." 

"  Hold  ! "  exclaimed  loudly  a  beardless  page,  Ramirez 
Guzman  de  Maravedi ;  "my  lord  Columbus,  what  were  the 
terms  of  thy  wager  ?    Bethink  thee,  now  !  " 

u  That  I  would  make  this  egg  stand  upon  one  end,  sir  mala- 
pert !  What  art  thou  giving  me,  hey  ?  "  replied  the  illustrious 
discoverer. 

"Then  thou  hast  lost,  ami  I  will  prove  it  thee.  Is  not  this 
one  end  of  the  egg  ?  "  he  said,  touching  the  upper  extremity  of 
the  fragile  hen-fruit. 

"  It  is,  sirrah,"  replied  ( loiumbus  :    "and  what  an'  it  were?  " 

-And  is  n<>t  this,"  continued  the  child,  as  he  indicated  the 
portion  of  the  shell  that  had  been   broken  in  — "  is  not  this  the 


— The  World's  Almaniac  for  1S79. —  37 

OTHER    END  ???     Thou  hast  not  set  the  egg  upon  one  end, 
but  on  the  other." 

A  tremendous  wrangle  ensued,  which  was  not  assuaged  till 
Ferdinand  had  leaped  from  his  throne,  and,  drawing  his  mighty 
two-handed  sword,  spoiled  many  breadths  of  the  costly  carpet- 
ing with  the  best  blood  of  Spain,  and  sworn  by  his  royal  word 
that  the  matter  should  be  referred  to  the  Madrid  Clippero.  In 
the  next  issue  of  that  paper  appeared  the  following  among  the 
"  Responsas  al  Correspondences  "  : 

Ferdinand  (Madrid) — Columbus  loses. 

A  few  days  after  this,  as  history  records,  a  way-worn  and 
penniless  traveler  appeared  at  the  gates  of  the  Convent  of  La 
Granja,  begging  charity  of  the  good  monks. 

It  was  Columbus. 


The  Big  Beaunanza — West  Point  in  commencement  week. 

Whist  proverb. — When  in  doubt  take  the  trick :  you  may 
not  be  noticed  doing  so. 

Summer  is  so  called  because  it  is  a  season  when  most  people 
think  they  must  go  summer. 

Managers  of  expositions  think  like  the  corrupt  statesman 
that  every  man  has  his  prize. 

The  devil  pays  poor  wages  and  has  long  hours,  yet  how 
rarely  is  there  a  strike  against  him  ! 

The  man  who  could  not  abide  the  necessary  cat  is  believed 
to  have  been  an  opponent  of  corporal  punishment. 

The  very  heirs  of  our  heads  are  numbered,  which  is  where 
they  have  the  advantage  over  our  oldest  and  wealthiest  citizens. 

"  Hard  toims  ?  I  belave  ye,  whin  me  family  has  had  to 
discharge  its  ancestral  banshee,  not  being  aiqual  to  the 
expinse  of  supporting  it." 

By  a  typographer. — The  cause  of  dirtiness  in  a  proof  is  mat- 
ter in  the  wrong  place.  And  why  do  not  men  speak  of  the 
leaded  instead  of  the  solid  Muldoon  ? 

Dalila  did  very  well  as  a  barber,  but  at  last  the  impulse  of 
her  sex  and  profession  overcame  her,  and  she  had  to  say  some- 
thing to  the  intense  discomfort  of  her  customer. 


38  — The  World's  Ahnaniac  for  1879. — 


§hi{  gion  mid  tt\t  &ptftthta[. 

■TJ  SPECULATOR,  who  had  sold  a  Lion's  Skin  at  26,  for 
/A  Future  Delivery,  went  out  into  the  Desert  to  Cover  his 
Shorts,  and  came  unexpectedly  upon  the  Monarch  of  the 
Wilds,  in  all  his  might  and  mane.  In  an  Agony  of  Terror,  the 
Abject  Wretch  pleaded  for  his  Life,  offering  to  give  the  Lion 
some  Points,  but  the  Monster  replied,  contemptuously  :  "  I  am 
long  of  Men  myself,  and  hence  have  no  Speculation  in  the  Eyes 
which  I  do  glare  with.  But  your  Presumption  merits,  and  shall 
receive,  Condign  Punishment.  Return,  sirrah,  and  henceforth 
take  care  not  to  sell  what  you  have  not  got  and  cannot  deliver." 
The  miserable  man  went  home,  and  some  Lion's  Skin,  pre- 
ferred, was  bought  for  him,  under  the  rule,  at  260. 

Moral. —  He  that  Maketh  Haste  to  be  Rich  shall  not  Win  a 
Cent. 


Why  cannot  I,  dearest/'  said  he, 

As  they  walked  together  at  night, 
Pluck  for  you  from  the  heaven  blue 

Yon  diamond  star  so  bright !  " 

All,  you  cannot,"  answered  the  maiden, 

As  her  bosom  rose  and  fell, 
But  if  you  will  stop  at  yon  jeweller's  shop — 

He  has  one  will  do  as  well." 


* 

Woman's  fear  —  The  mouse. 

The  Barber's  motto — There  's  nothing  like  lather! 

Good  soldiers  are  like  the  retired  physician's  sands  of  life  — 
they  have  never  run. 

"  You  seem  to  have  a  cold,"  said  kindly  the  State  Superin- 
tendent of  Public  Instruction  to  the  teacher  of  the  country 
school.  "  I  have  that  honor,"  said  the  teacher,  humbly  and 
gratefully. 

It   is  a   venial   sin 

To  steal  a  menial  pin, 

Bui   a  brilliant    financial  operation 
To  steal  a  railroad  corporation. 


—  The  World's  Ahna,7iiac  for  iS/p. —  39 


WHe  H&ounttijinim  mid  the  Jfe& 

HJ  COUNTRY  Fellow  and  his  Son,  who  were  taking  an  Ass 
/I  to  Market,  having  bestridden  the  Animal,  were  pro- 
ceeding on  their  Way  with  great  Glee,  when  they  were  accosted 
by  a  Clown,  who  cried,  "  Here  's  a  pretty  Go  !  Two  great  lub- 
berly Fellows  riding  a  duodecimo  Ass  !  Why  don't  you  carry 
the  Ass,  instead  of  making  the  poor  Creature  carry  you  ?  " 
"See  here,"  responded  the  elder  Rider,  "is  this  your  Ass  ?  " 
"  No,"  replied  the  Bumpkin.  "  Do  you  want  to  buy  this  Ass  ?" 
"N-no."  "Be  you  Mr.  Bergh?"  "Naw."  "Then,  what 
durn  Business  of  Yours  is  it  about  this  Ass,  anyway?  "  Struck 
with  the  Justice  of  this  Rebuke,  the  Clown  hurled  a  Brickbat  at 
his  Interlocutor  and  slunk  shamefacedly  away. 

Moral. — The  Average  Merciful  Man  is  Merciful  to  his  Neigh- 
bor's Beast. 


f/«  §aikd  ®wl 

TJ  BOILED  Owl,  whose  Imagination  had  peopled  the  Twi- 
J*-  light  Woods  with  Snakes,  finding  that  Reform  was  Neces- 
sary, swore  off,  and,  becoming  an  Apostle  of  Temperance, 
hooted  thereafter  at  $300  a  week,  and  Expenses,  to  Crowded 
Barns. 

Moral. —  Long  as  the  Lamp  holds  out  to  Burn,  the  Sinner 
Lecturer  may  Turn. 

* 


"  DEAR  husband,"  said  the  dying  wife,"  I  feel  that  I  must  go; 
When  I  am  dead,  pray  lay  me  where  the  thingummics  do  blow ; 
And  plant   the  sweet   what-you-may-call   both  at  my  head  and 

feet, 
And  an  umbrageous  what's-its-name  to  cool  the  solar  heat, 
And  o'er  me  place  a  monument,  and  on  its  marble  page 
Recite  my  name  and  anything  you  like  except  my  age, 
Lor  you  would  not  have  me   put  to  shame  in  the  sweet  by  and 

by; 
And  see  that  my  false  teeth  are  in.      How  easy  't  is  to  die  !" 
Ah,  that  grief-stricken  husband  he  was  sure  a  loyal  one, 
For  her  tomb-tone  made  her  Six  Years  old  at 'the  birth  of  her 

eldest  son. 


40  — The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8yg. — 

^oitm  ^nntmiun  of  Ufa*  jfawtf* 

Dime  is  money. 

Levity  is  the  soul  of  wit. 

Barking  dogs  never  bite.|| 

Least  said,  soonest  ended. 

It  is  never  too  late  to  lecture. 

At  the  end  of  life  we  are  in  death. 

Great  oaks  from,  little  acorns  grow. 

Absence  makes  the  heart  grow  fonder.}: 

The  longest  poll  takes  the  persimmons. $ 

You  can  eat  your  cake — and  halve  it,  too. 

A  nod  is  as  good  as  a  wink  to  a  blind  girl. 

Birds  of  a  feather  flock  together  to  keep  warm. 

Don't  halloa  when  you  're  out  of  the  bush.* 

In  the  multitude  of  councillors  there  is  satiety. 

Where  there  's  a  will  there  's  a  weigh  of  evidence. 

Half  the  world  does  n't  know  how  the  other  half  lives,  but  it 
wants  to.t 

*  You   have   no  occasion  to.       t  The   female    half.       I  Of    some   one   else. 
§  Unless  there  is  a  Returning  Board.     ||  They  can't  while  they  are  barking. 


THE  lawyer  and  his  coachman  were  driving  out  one  day, 
The  team  upon  the  boulevard  took  fright,  and  ran  away, 
"  They  11  run,  sir,  over  sonic  one;  for  stop  them  no  one  can.'' 
"Well,   if  you    must,"  sighed    the    lawyer,   "run    over    some 
cheap  man." 


—  The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8?p. —  41 

§ f  §earts  and  §mts, 

The  world,  indulgent  for  faults,  is  merciless  toward  errors. 

The  only  superiority  a  woman  pardons  in  a  man  is  that  of 
strength. 

Climbing  mountains  develops  legs  in  some  people  and  wings 
in  others. 

There  is  one  thing  worse  than  a  fool's  stupidity  —  namely,  a 
wise  man's. 

.Women  love  as  much  as  they  believe  and  men  as  much  as 
they  wish  —  but  no  more. 

A  parvenu  never  lives  near  or  opposite  anybody.  Everybody 
lives  near  or  opposite  him. 

For  all  of  us,  and  especially  for  women,  the  emptier  years  are 
the  more  heavily  do  they  weigh. 

Love  wears  itself  out  more  with  the  pains  of  jealousy  than 
with  the  pleasures  of  possession. 

Passion  is  like  a  mountain  which  one  takes  to  touch  heaven 
because  it  loses  its  head  in  the  clouds. 

There  is  only  one  thing  more  idiotic  than  customs  and  usages, 
and  that  is  neglect  to  conform  to  them. 

Wit  may  make  one  forget  a  woman's  age,  but  only  goodness 
will  only  cause  it  to  be  forgiven  and  beloved. 

Old  ladies  should  cling  to  the  fashions  of  their  day ;  displaying 
one's  time  often  saves  one  from  showing  one's  age. 

When  a  woman  tells  the  truth  about  her  age,  one  may  be 
reasonably  sure  that  she  is  like  a  prisoner  who  confesses  his 
guilt  so  as  to  testify  against  his  fellows. 

There  may  be  some  way  of  keeping  a  man's  heart,  but  there 
is  none  of  keeping  a  woman's.       She  takes  back  her  love  —  she 
knows  not  why,  even  as  she  gave  it  —  she  knew  not  how. 
6 


42 


— The  World's  Almaniac  for  1879. — 


Alas  !  though  birds  are  building  in  his  tail 

Their  nests,  to  drive  them  off  he  is  not  spunky 

Enough ;  he  can  but  shiver,  groan  and  wail — 
"  Sick  transit  gloria  monkey  /  " 


The  World's  Abnaniac  for  l8yg.- 


43 


44  — The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8yg. — 

A  Drama  in  Five  Acts. 

I. — Her  husband  was  horribly  jealous,  though  he  had  no  rea- 
son to  be  so.  She  had  one  evening  stopped  to  tea  at  a  friend's 
house,  and  there  was  no  male  member  of  the  family  to  see  her 
home,  and  her  friend  was  ill.  Nothing  for  it,  therefore,  but  to 
make  her  way  home  alone. 

II. — Scarcely  had  she  set  foot  in  the  street  than  she  perceived 
that  she  was  followed  by  a  Man,  who  quickened  his  pace  when 
she  walked  rapidly,  and  loitered  when  she  paused  at  a  shop- 
window  to  allow  him  to  pass.  There  was  no  policeman  in 
sight ;  the  street  was  a  lonely  one,  and  there  was  nobody  in  the 
shops — whose  owners  did  not  advertise. 

III. — With  a  beating  heart  she  resolved  to  baffle  her  unknown 
admirer,  and  so  plunged  into  the  first  open  store  she  came  to. 
It  was  a  shoe  store,  and  the  proprietor  could  have  made  more 
money  by  exhibiting  himself  to  an  intelligent  public  as  a  defor- 
mity. He  was,  however,  a  kind-hearted  and  valiant  man,  and 
when  she  told  him  of  her  persecutions  volunteered  to  go  out 
and  lick  the  gay  Lothario,  or  give  him  in  charge  of  the  police. 

IV. — "Not  so,"  replied  the  lady:  "I  would  not  have  any 
scandal  for  the  world,  so  insanely  jealous  is  my  husband.  But  if 
you  will  kindly  allow  me  to  remain  here  a  few  minutes  till  that 
impudent  wretch,  whoever  he  is,  has  gone  by."  "  With  pleas- 
ure, madam,"  replied  the  shoe-maker,  "  and  if  you  will  take  a 
seat  behind  the  screen  here  in  the  customer's  measuring 
chair  you  will  be  shielded  from  view."  She  did  so,  and  the 
shoe-maker  resumed  his  occupation  of  putting  an  invisible  patch 
on  a  woman's  No.  4. 

V. — In  the  course  of  fifteen  or  twenty  minutes,  the  lady's 
fears  having  somewhat  abated,  she  desired  the  hospitable  shoe- 
maker to  look  out  into  the  street  and  sec  if  it  was  clear.  He  did 
so,  and  returned  with  the  gratifying  intelligence  that  there  was 
not  a  soul  in  sight.  Thanking  him  for  his  shelter  and  kindness, 
she  went  to  the  door,  looked  timidly  up  and  down  the  street, 
and  seeing  no  one.  darted  out  and  resumed  her  homeward  way. 
Almosl  instantly  her  persecutor  sprang  out  from  the  door-way 
where  he  had  been  concealed,  and  hastened  after  her,  this  time 
with  a  purpose  in  his  steps,  for  he  soon  overhauled  her,  and 
gripping  her  by  the  arm,  hissed  in  her  nerveless  ear  :  "  False, 
ana  to  me,  and  for  a  wall-eyed,  hump-backed,  red-headed,  slab- 
sided,  knock-kneed,  splay-footed  cobbler  !  My  worst  suspicions 
are  more  than  realized.     Viper!  "     She  fainted. 


The  World's  Aimaniac  for  i8yg. —  45 


ghe  §rudmt  §elmn. 

'DX  Opulent  Pelican  of  the  Wilderness,  being  tempted  to 
J*>  feed  her  Callow  Brood  with  Blood  from  her  Gentle  Breast, 
reflected  upon  the  possible  Consequences  of  rearing  a  Family ; 
then,  yielding  to  the  Impulses  of  her  Better  Nature,  committed 
an  extensive  Infanticide,  and  was  acquitted,  without  leaving  the 
Nest,  by  a  Jury  of  Parents. 

Moral. —  Birds  in  their   Little  Nests  Agree  that  't  is  a  Sorry 
Sight  when  Children  of  one  Family  to  Break  a  Will  unite. 


§h$  gchool  of  §or$oh$x. 

TI  JOYOUS  School  of  Porpoises,  observing  among  their 
/l  number  an  Odd  Fish,  undertook  to  Haze  him,  and  with 
much  Merriment  stood  him  upon  his  Back.  Their  Fellow- 
student,  however,  proved  to  be  a  young  Shark,  who  had  cut 
several  Rows  of  Teeth,  and  this  Ridiculous  Position  precisely 
suiting  him,  he  lost  no  Time  in  qualifying  most  of  his  Assail- 
ants to  fill  a  Porpoise'  Grave. 
Moral.— Haze  Not  At  All. 


Athletic  sport — the  Cricket  on  the  Earth. 

The  original  Dumb  Waiter — Elaine's  servant. 

Conducted  on  the  eight-oar  system — the  Yale-Harvard  boat- 
race. 

"  Place  aux  D-ns  " — a  slippery  spot  on  the  sidewalk  in 
winter. 

The  Russian  roads  are  measured  by  the  verst ;  that  's  the 
kind  of  roads  they  are. 

Jonah  may  not  have  been  the  wisest  man,  but  he  knew 
enough  to  come  in  out  of  the  wet. 

Conundrum  dedicated  (by  special  permission)  to  the  Coaching 
Club  :  "  What  is  the  difference  between  the  boot  of  a  coach  and 
the  shoe  of  a  horse  ?  " 


46  — The  Worlds  Almaniac  for  i8?p.~ 


J\i 


ghe  ghree  gmlors. 

HERE  were  three  tailors  did  compete 
For  custom  in  the  self-same  street. 


The  first  set  up  a  sign-board  grand  : 
"Jones,  the  Best  Tailor  in  the  Land/" 

The  next  a  banner  huge  unfurled : 
"Smith,  the  Best  Tailor  in  the  World!!" 

The  third,  he  was  a  modest  man, 
And  thus  his  business  legend  ran, 

Upon  a  placard  small  and  neat: 

"Brown,  the  Best  Tailor  in  the  STREET!!! 


§he  Mnt=gdter  mid  %  Jitfc 

TIN  Ant-Eater  who  had  been  to  the  Ants,  considered  their 
/A  Ways  and  become  Wise,  opened  an  Institution  for  Savings 
which  the  economical  little  Creatures  did  not  fail  to  Patronize. 
When  they  had  laid  by  a  sufficient  sum  for  a  rainy  Day,  he 
departed  therewith  Foreign  Countries  for  to  see,  leaving  the 
empty  Hole  to  be  divided  among  the  Depositors. 

Moral. — There  is  which  Traveleth  Abroad  and  yet  Increaseth, 
and  there  is  which  Layeth  up  that  which  is  Meet  and  it  Tend- 
eth  to  Poverty. 


TJ  N  Eagle  having  importuned  an  Aeronaut  to  give  him  a 
/I  mounting  Pass  for  his  coming  Balloon  Ascension,  the 
Aeronaut  said,  with  some  Surprise,  "  You  can  at  will  soar  to  Vast 
I  Iri^hts  and  ^aze  upon  the  midday  Sum.  whv  then  do  you 
desire  to  go  up  in  a  Balloon?"  The  Bird  of  the  broad  ami 
sweeping  Wing  replied,  "It  is  not  the  Pleasure  of  the  Trip  s,» 
much  as  the  Reflection  thai  it  Costs  me  Nothing."  The 
Fathers  of  the  Republic  at  that  Moment  looked  up  to  Heaven, 
and  made  the  Dead  headed  Eagle  the  Emblem  of  America. 
Moral* — Base  is  the  Freeman  that  Pays. 


—  The  World's  Alma?iiac  for  i8jg. —  47 

TJN  ELEPHANT  returning  from  a  Foreign  Tour,  was  ap- 
/A  proached  by  a  Custom- House  Inspector,  who  was  about  to 
examine  his  Trunk,  when  the  Sagacious  Mammoth  said,  as  if 
soliloquizing,  "  The  Elephant,  though  patient,  is  Sensitive  to 
Injuries  and  possessed  of  a  long  Memory  ;  indeed  he  has  been 
Known,  after  the  Lapse  of  Thirty  Years,  to  drench  with  filthy 
Water  the  Malicious  Tailor  who  did  not  send  his  new  Pants  home 
on  Saturday  Night,  as  he  had  promised.  With  its  Trunk  it  can 
uproot  the  strongest  Wharf-piles,  or  rend  a  Man  in  pieces,  yet — 
Marvel  of  Marvels  ! — with  the  same  Organ  it  can  pick  up  a  Coin 
and  place  it  in  the  Vest  Pocket  of  a  Customs  Official."  "My 
dear  sir,  howdah  do  ?  "  exclaimed  the  Inspector  ;  "  your  Bag- 
gage is  all  right,"  and,  placing  a  Chalk-mark  on  the  gigantic 
Quadruped's  Trunk,  he  proceeded  to  seize  the  Luggage  of  a 
Tourist  who  was  not  amenable  to  Coughs. 

Moral. — Man,    Know   the    Ropes  :    all    Knowledge   centres 
Here. 


IP?  J*^i§W/  wd  the  Igistoric  %vcim, 

SZT  SHE-WOLF,  who  had  rescued  Historic  Twins  from  the 
/A  Yellow  Tiber,  being  touched  with  compassion  at  their 
miserable  Condition,  Fed  them  from  her  savage  Breast  till  they 
waxed  Fat  and  then  devoured  them. 

Moral. — This  Fable  teaches  us  that  People  who  Adopt 
American  Infants  (with  full  surrender)  at  Time  of  Birth,  are  not 
always  actuated  by  Unselfish  Motives. 


%ht  Jfox  m\d  the  gjares. 

TO'  FOX,  having  been  appointed  Administrator  of  a  Wealthy 
/A  Rabbit's  Estate,  summoned  the  Hares  before  him,  and  de- 
manded of  each  if  the  property  belonged  to  the  Rival,  who  con- 
tested his  Claim.  All  the  answers  being  in  the  Negative,  the 
Fox  reported  to  the  Court  that  none  of  the  Parties  were  legally 
Inheritors,  and  the  Estate  was  divided  between  him  and  the 
Court  for  Expenses. 

Moral. — It  is  Better  to  be  a  Door-keeper  in  the  House  of  the 
Boss  than  to  practice  in  the  Courts  of  Equity. 


48  — The  World's  A /maniac  for  i8yg.- 


<§uidq  far  ^tttfiiricHq  ^unfari^ts. 

January. —  Many  of  our  best  jokes  are  born  with  calls  —  New- 
Year's  calls — and  as  a  journal  thing  some  allusion  should  be 
made  to  the  practice  of  inaugurating  diaries.  By  making  your 
victim  swear  off,  and  towards  the  15th  backslide,  you  will  fill 
two  paragraphs  with  one  subject. 

February. —  About  this  time  expect  stout  church-members  to 
slip  on  sidewalks  and  utter  comic  oaths.  22d. —  Feast  of  Little 
Hatchet.  Age  cannot  wither  it,  nor  custom  stale  its  infinite 
lack  of  variety. 

March. —  With  the  balmy  breath  of  spring  married  men  leave 
off  overcoats,  in  pockets  of  which  wives  find  letters  entrusted 
for  mailing  to  their  mothers. 

April. —  The  needy  citizen  (Amer.  impecuniosus)  is  seen  on 
sunny  days  wearing  his  heavy  clothing.  Towards  20th,  in 
Northern  latitudes,  auction  jokes  are  in  season. 

May. — House-moving.  No  comic  report  is  complete  without 
a  quotation  from  "  Othello."  Place  soap  on  basement  stairs 
and  train  Irish  servant-girls  to  step  on  it. 

June. —  College  Commencements;  examination  papers  of 
oarsmen,  essays  by  graduates.  Early  graduates  spring  up  in 
newspaper  offices,  and  fail  to  obtain  employment  at  $3  per  week. 
The  strawberry  festival  giveth  forth  a  goodly  joke. 

July. —  The  Glorious  Fourth,  of  course.  Circus  advertise- 
ments in  season.  Lovers  reduced  to  comic  insolvency  by  appe- 
tite of  sweethearts  for  ice-cream.  Short-sighted  householders 
water  neighbors  with  hose. 

August. —  Honest  farmers  and  picnicking  cits  invade  and 
are  invaded  by  hornets'  nests.  Tell  us  the  old,  old  story  of  the 
husband  who  gives  a  stag  party  and  writes  to  his  absent  wife  of 
his  loneliness,  she  answering  the  epistle  in  kind,  while  flirting 
with  an  alleged  Italian  count. 

September* — "And  now  "  housekeepers  make  preserves  and 
exchange  their  husband's  heavy  clothing  for  china  shepherdesses. 

October. —  The  joke  about  the  oyster  supper  is  heard  in  the 
land.  Let  your  capitalists  in  dusters  remain  out  overnight. 
Wives  find  letters  in  husbands'  pockets.     (See  March.) 

November. —  Householders  fall  off  of  tables  and  bruise  their 
thumbs  while  putting  up  stoves.  Meek  and  bashful  young  men 
carve  turkeys  at  Thanksgiving  dinners. 


—  The  World's  Almaniac  for  l8yg. —  49 

December. — Jokes  about  plumbers  are  in  season.  Revival  of 
interest  in  Sunday-school  work  in  churches  where  festivals  are 
to  be  held. 

E^  For  the  mother-in-law,  the  notion-peddler,  Squinty  Jim, 
the  lame  newsboy,  Mr.  Spankwazzle's  baby,  etc.,  there  is  no 
close  season.  And,  in  the  words  of  Talleyrand,  "Above  all,  no 
pathos." 


g~he  "§on§e^ut\ting  (£mh. 

TT  CRAB,  who  had  some  Intention  of  casting  his  Skin,  looked 
/A  about  him  for  a  new  Tenement,  but  was  so  discouraged  by 
his  House-hunting  Experiences  that  he  wisely  resolved  to 
renew  his  Lease  of  the  old  Premises  for  another  Year. 

Moral. — Except  the  Tenant  Like  the  House,  the  Landlord 
maketh  Promises  in  Vain. 

Also  :  It  is  Better  to  Bear  the  House  we  Have  than  Move 
to  Others  that  we  Know  not  of. 


A  GOOD  name  to  call  it — The  Shirking  Man's  Movement. 

The  Old  Man  Eloquent — Darwin  on  the  Origin  of  Speeches. 

Some  men's  besetting  sins  are  not  half  as  bad  as  other  men's 
besetting  virtues. 

In  dry  weather  the  umbrella  is  not  without  its  uses — it  can 
be  put  up  at  one's  uncle's. 

The  festive  bored — Guests  while  the  young  orator  is  replying 
to  the  toast  of  "  The  Ladies." 

How  to  raise  the  wind — Try  and  light  a  cigar  out-of-doors  of 
a  calm  still  night  with  your  last  match. 

Without  doubt,  the  Ingersolls  of  the  early  ages  denounced 
the  book  of  Daniel  as  uncanonical  and  uninspired,  as  an  advance 
puff  of  Darius's  circus  and  menagerie. 

A  moment's  reflection  should  convince  you  that  when  you  say 
of  a  stranger  that  you  "  wouldn't  know  him  from  Adam,"  you 
are  wildly  inaccurate.     They  do  not  dress  alike. 
7 


50  — The  World's  Ahnaniac  for  iSyg. — 


Away,  away,  and  let  her  slide, 
But  well  her  course  control, 

There  is  no  sport  like  this,  beside 
Climbing  the  Arctic  Pole. 

With  major  and  with  minor  bears 
As  swift  the  sleds  descend, 

Observe  how  with  surprise  the  hares- 
The  hares  do  stand  on  end. 

Four  carrion  crows  sit  on  a  limb 
But  do  not  laugh,  because — 

The  crow  hath  little  fun  in  him — 
They  've  not  sufficient  caws. 

The  little  birds  the  hill  beside 
With  music  flood  the  airs  : 

It  looks  to  them  like  suicide 
To  see  self- sleighing  bears. 


—  The  World's  Ahna7iiac  for  1879. —  51 


52  — The  World's  Ahnaniac  for  iS/p. — 


W1*  &V9*nt  **{&  the  <gik. 

TT  SERPENT  had  long  been  engaged  in  the  congenial  Occu- 
I*-  pation  of  gnawing  a  File  of  an  opposition  Newspaper, 
without,  however,  attracting  much  Sympathy.  u  My  Esteemed 
Contemporary,"  finally  exclaimed  the  File,  "  your  Efforts  reflect 
great  Credit  upon  your  Patience  and  Ingenuity,  but  you  forget 
that  the  Reading  Public  does  not  take  the  Slightest  Interest  in 
our  Personal  Squabbles." 

Moral. — The  Editor  who  lifts  his  Pen  against  a  Subject  not  in 
the  way  of  Public  Interest  is  a  Being  whom  it  were  Gross  Flat- 
tery to  term  an  Esteemed  Contemporary. 


"  Miserable  man  !  "  exclaimed  a  passer-by,  as  he  struck  up 
the  pistol  which  a  pallid  stranger  had  placed  against  his  fore- 
head with  suicidal  intent,  the  weapon  exploding  harmlessly  in 
the  air, — "  miserable  man,  why  do  you  seek  to  blow  out  your 
brains  ?  "  "  Alas,"  stammered  the  would-be  suicide,  "  I  have 
been  reduced  to  want,  times  are  so  hard,  and  I  had  no  recourse 

left "     "  Boo  !   Bosh  !  "   said  his  rescuer  ;   "  if  you  commit 

suicide  now,  what  '11  you  do  when  the  times  get  harder,  eh  ?  " 
Struck  by  the  cogency  of  this  reasoning,  the  unhappy  man 
agreed  to  bear  the  ills  he  had. 


* 


The  Communists'  Motto — Might  makes  Riot. 

The  dead-head  system  is  the  youpass  tree  of  American  rail- 
roads. 

Pheasant-shooting  in  England  is  confined  to  the  rich  and  a 
prescribed  season,  but  the  poor  of  Ireland  can  enjoy  landlord 
shooting  all  the  year  round — there  is  no  close  season  for 
oppressors. 

Neat  thing  for  one  esteemed  contemporary  to  say  of  another : 
"Beneath  the  rule  of  men  entirely  great,  like  the   editor  of  the 
the  shears  are  mightier  than    the  pen."      Retort 


courteous — "The   editor  of  the is  in   possession 

of  the  SCiMOra  with  which  he  wrote  his  first  original  urtiele." 


— The  World's  Almaniac  for  187Q. —  53 

£ he  rprsi;-@art. 

FROM    THE   GERMAN. 

YEARS  full  many  vanished  are 
Since  I  rode  in  this  horse-car; 
The  conductor,  as  of  yore, 
Is  punching  trip-slips  at  the  door. 

Then  in  this  same  car  did  ride 
Two  fair  maids,  one  on  each  side ; 
Sitting  on  my  right  the  blonde, 
Brunette  had  moved  up  beyond. 

One,  the  girl  with  golden  head, 

Did  a  wealthy  grocer  wed; 

And  the  dark  one  an  old  maid  is, 

Boarding-school  keeps  for  young  ladies. 

As  I  sit  where  once  sat  we 
In  the  days  that  we  were  three, 
Saddening  thoughts  of  friends  come  o'er  me 
Who  've  got  off  the  cars  before  me. 

Take,  conductor,  thrice  thy  fee; 
Take, — I  give  it  willingly; 
For  in  presence  known  to  me, 
Though  invisible  to  thee, 
Spirits  twain  have  rode   with  me. 

(Conductor  punches  one  fare  in  the  presence  of  the  passenger 
and  regards  him  as  a  lunatic.) 


$[hc  0tjsfcr  ittfd  tl(c  Jfvtwtlc  llvforme^ 

TJ  FEMALE  Reformer  who  had  long  labored  in  vain  to  obtain 
/A  Beards  for  her  Sex,  went  to  an  Oyster  and  asked  him  why 
he  had  a  Beard,  while  Million-,  of  Wive-,  Mothers  and  Reform- 
ers had  not.  "  Because  I  Stay  at  Home,  Mind  my  own  business, 
and  Hold  my  Tongue,"  answered  the  Sage  Shell-fish,  in  the 
Deaf  and  Dumb  Alphabet 

Moral. — Speeches  are  Demonetized  ;  Silence  is  Monometallic. 


54  — The  World's  A  /maniac  for  i8yg. 


§fte  §miti$s  of  the  &Mc  Sges. 

yTfHE  wine-cup  had  circled  round  the  glittering  ring  of  lords 
A  and  ladies  in  the  picturesque  but  imperfectly  ventilated  an- 
cestral halls  of  the  haughty  Baron  de  Cotepurce.  Beneath  the  salt 
the  retainers  and  men-at-arms  quaffed  huge  bowls  of  nut-brown 
ale,  engaged  in  single  combat,  snored  upon  the  rushes,  or  danced 
around  the  blazing  Yule  log,  while  the  fool  of  the  family,  jingling 
his  fantastic  bells,  asked,  "  When  is  a  portal  not  a  portal  ?"  and 
with  like  merry  conceits  cheered  the  festal  hour. 

Suddenly  a  blast  wound  upon  a  horn  was  heard  echoing,  re- 
echoing, re-re-echoing,  etc.,  without. 

"By  my  halid  —  m!"  exclaimed  the  white-haired  seneschal, 
as  he  staggered  to  the  door ;  "  beshrew  me,  but  yon  wight, 
whosoe'er  a  be,  bloweth  a  lusty  blow." 

In  a  short  time  he  re-entered,  ushering  in  a  venerable  harper, 
whose  dark  flowing  locks  and  accompanying  ape  showed  that  he 
was  a  native  of  Italy's  sunny  clime.  His  harp,  one  of  the 
masterpieces  of  the  divine  Hurdigurdi,  of  Milan,  Conn.,  his  sole 
surviving  joy,  was  carried  by  an  orphan  boy,  engaged  at  a 
Padrone  Employment  Bureau. 

"  Ha,  what  have  we  here  ?"  exclaimed  the  Baron,  with  a 
mighty  roar  of  laughter ;  "  give  the  wandering  harper  a  horn, 
and  let  us  have  music  by  the  bard." 

Full  slyly  smiled  the  attendant  page,  and  gave  the  withered 
hand  of  age  a  mighty  horn  of  spiced  ypocras  with  a  stick  (of 
cinnamon  from  the  far  Orient)  in  it.  The  aged  harper  quaffed 
the  cup  with  the  preliminary  benediction,  "  Here 's  gazing 
towards  ye,  gentles  all,"  then,  wiping  off  his  chin,  struck  a  few 
chords  upon  his  harp,  and  caroled  gaily,  "  Sing,  sing,  what  shall 
I  sing?" 

"Sing  the  beauties  of  my  daughter,  Lady  Marie  Jean,  the 
Gooseneck  of  Cotepurce,"  replied  the  Baron. 

"  What,  that  squat,  flat,  splayfooted,  red-haired,  wall-eyed, 
slab-sided,  humpbacked,  freckled  forty-year  old!"  exclaimed  the 
harper,  with   the   license   allowed    to   his    kind    in    those  merry 

times.     "I  will  be if  I  will,"  and  his  words  were  lost  in  the 

angry  roar  of  the  guests  as  full  many  a  SWOrd  leaped  from  its 
scabbard  to  avenge  the  insult  to  the  host's  only  daughter  and 
heiress. 

"Hold,  gentles  !"  cried  the  Baron,  drawing  his  nullity  two- 
handed  sword,  and  cleaving  a  few  of  the  more  impetuous  to  the 
chine;  "I  have  a  surer  way  than  that.  Little  bards  that  can 
sing  and  wont  sing  must  DC  made  to  sing.  What,  ho,  Simnel 
and    Perkyn;    away   with    yon    wire  thrumming    knave    to    the 

deepest  dentist  beneath  the  castle  moat,  and  pull  out  one  of  his 

teeth  everyday  till  he  finds  his  tongue." 


—  The  World's  Almaniac  for  iS/p. —  55 

"Mercy,  mercy,  my  lord,"  gasped  the  miserable  wretch;  "I 
did  but  jest — I  gave  thee  but  taffy,"  and  striking  his  light 
guitar — or,  to  speak  more  accurately,  his  heavy  harp  —  he  sang 
so  wonderful  a  song  that  all  within  the  hall  were  hushed,  and 
even  the  grim  Baron  gently  brained  with  his  heavy  battle-axe  a 
sleeping  reveler  who  disturbed  the  witching  melody  with  an 
incautious  snore. 

Ages  have  passed  since  then.  On  the  site  of  the  lordly  castle 
stands  a  beer  garden,  and  the  name  of  the  De  Cotepurces  has 
vanished  from  the  earth.  But  the  song  of  the  poet  still  lives 
(for  art  is  long,  if  time  is  fleeting),  and  in  it  the  lovely  Lady 
Marie  Jean,  the  Gooseneck  of  Cotepurce,  is  enshrined  as  a 
wonder  of  beauty,  beside  whom  Helen  of  Troy  was  common- 
place and  Venus  a  dowdy. 


§fe  §ctr<tt)ed  gjusbatidq. 


FYTTE    YE    FIRSTE. 

YE  Husbande  hasteneth  homewards, 
Ne  dothe  he  dreame  of  Harme : 
He  meetes  on  ye  Wave  an  Israelite 
With  a  Bundle  'neath  hys  Anne. 

FYTTE  YE   SECONDE. 

Ye  Husbande  on  ye  mantel 

Seeth  a  China  Sheepe. 
Hys  Wife  saith   not  where  she  it  boughte 

But  only  that  't  was  cheape. 

FYTTE   YE   THIRDE. 

Anon  he  will  seek  in  ye  Closet 
Hys  Pants,  ye  second-best  Paire, 

And  whennes  he  findeth  them  missing, 
Lo,  he  will  loudly  sweare. 


An  old  man  was  shivering  out  an  attempt  at  a  song  in  the 
chilling  rain. 

The  dear  child  listened  to  him  for  a  few  minutes,  then  said 
softly,  "  He  ought  to  be  old  enough  to  sing  better." 


56  — The  World's  Almaniac  for  1879. — 

T^TO  more  the  mind  of  the  P.   M.  of  Texas 
J*     (Texas  is  in  Lycoming  County,  Penn.) 
The  car  king  care  of  life  official  vexes  — 
He  is  as  other  men. 

Stranger  is  he  to  the  fierce  emulation 

Of  him  "wich  is"  — or  wants  to  be— "P.  M." 

For  any  change  in  the  Administration 
He  careth  not  a  dem. 

He  maketh  no  invidious  selections 

'Tween  rabid  nomination-seeking  elves; 

But  caucuses,  conventions,  and  elections, 
He  lets  them  run  themselves. 

For  him  is  "Order  No.   1"  not  awful; 

And,  as  to  policies,  he  's  not  of  those 
Who  scream  the  South  is  lawless,  or  is  lawful, 

Doth,  or  doth  not,  bulldoze. 

He  doth  not  dread  the  Damoclean  hatchet 
That  o'er  the  office-holder's  head  impends; 

The  wreath  of  victory  he  cares  not  who  snatch  it, 
His  foemen  or  his  friends. 

He  vexeth  not  his  townsmen  with  petitions, 
To  keep  him  in  and  to  keep  some  one  out, 

And  laughs  contemptuously  at  him  whose  mission  's 
To  pass  the  hat  about. 

He  doth  not  care  on  an  election-vexed  day 

If  "  back  towns"  and  "remaining  districts"  shall, 

Or  shall  not,  be  heard  from   until  the  next  day, 
Or  ne'er  heard  from  at  all. 

He  is  not  rent  with  fears  like  Mr.   Reed  —  O 
How  those  same  office-seeking  folk  did  squirm ! — 

That  —  you  recall  the  case?     'T  was  at  Toledo  — 
The  Senate  wont  confirm. 

And  yet  because  of  no  misconduct  is  it 
Me   is   iint   .111   thr   official   mil    to-day; 

There  was  in  his  accounts  found  no  deficit  — 

I  lis  hooks  wert  all  ( ».  K. 


— The  World's  Almaniac  for  1879. —  57 

He  did  offend  'gainst  no  reforming  order; 

He  played  the  Boanerges  on  no  stump, 
When  he  at  home  should  have  been  letter-sorter, 

Or  should  the  hand-stamp  thump. 

He  is  no  offering  upon  any  altar; 

No  sacrificial  knife  above  him  plays 
Of  politician  —  priest  whose  hands  ne'er  falter — 

For  Cameron  or  Hayes. 

The  government 's  resolved — as  I  think  wisely — to 
Close  up  the  office,  and  the  reason  's  clear : 

The  gross  receipts  for  postage  came  precisely  to 
Fifty-four  cents  last  year. 


^ictm\nrn  off  <§!}twnvm$. 

Designed  Expressly  for  the  Use  of  American  Politicians. 
SPECIMEN   DEFINITIONS. 

Redisricting. — Shameless  gerrymander ;  long-delayed  act  of 
simple  justice. 

Speech. — Powerful    oratorical   effort;    pitiable   exhibition   of 
imbecility. 

Nomination. — Unusually  strong;   ridiculously  weak. 

Candidate. — Standard-bearer;  disreputable  but  characteristic 
selection. 

Meeting. — Enthusiastic  outpouring;  complete  fizzle. 

Charges. — Malignant  falsehoods  ;  damning  disclosures. 

Explanations. — Triumphant  refutation  ;   evading  the  point. 

Platform. — Ringing    exposition   of    sound   principles  ;    half 
hearted  and  shuffling  utterance. 


g he  Hurtful  <fcnfi}tcd(>. 

*ZT  BASHFUL  Centipede,  who  was  afraid  to  open  his  Mouth, 
/A  lest  he  should  put  his  Foot  in  it,  Kept  that  useful  Organ 
closed  rather  than  expose  himself  to  Ridicule,  and  speedily  per- 
ished of  Inanition. 

Moral. — Modesty  is  a  Quality  which  highly  Deforms  a  Man. 
o 


58  — The  World's  Almaniac  for  187Q. — 

%ht  JtOfi  and  the  4ffousc. 

TJ  LION  having  foreclosed  a  Mortgage  on  a  Mouse,  the  trem- 
/l  bling  little  Creature  earnestly  besought  its  Captor  to  spare 
its  Life.  "This  is  the  Close  Season  for  Mice,"  it  declared; 
"  besides,  if  I  captured  a  Lion,  I  would  be  merciful  and  let  him 
off."  The  magnanimous  Monarch  of  the  Forest  thereupon 
released  his  Captive,  who  shortly  after  discovered  his  Benefactor 
taken  in  the  Nets  of  the  Hunter.  "  Now,  then,  Young  Mouse," 
exclaimed  the  imprisoned  Lion,  "  gnaw  the  Meshes  of  this  Net, 
and  assist  me  to  escape,  for  of  a  verity,  escape  by  my  own 
Efforts  I  cannot."  "Gnaw,"  replied  the  Mouse,  "I  could  not 
for  a  Moment  think  of  taking  such  a  Liberty  with  the  Property 
of  a  Hunter  with  whom  I  am  not  acquainted ;  "  and  hastening 
to  the  Village  near  by,  he  gave  the  Hunter,  who  had  sold  Lions 
short,  Points  for  which  he  was  never  rewarded. 
Moral. — Such  is  Life  —  in  Wall  Street. 


P?  grog  and  tt[t  0x. 

TS  FROG  envious  of  the  lordly  Proportions  of  the  Cattle  in 
/A  the  Pasture,  resolved  that  both  the  old  Oxen  were  hope- 
lessly Corrupt,  and  started  a  Greenback  party,  declaring  that  he 
would  poll  Two  Million  Votes,  and  hold  the  Balance  of  Power 
between  the  existing  Herds.  On  the  Tuesday  after  the  First 
Monday  in  November,  however,  the  Herds  came  to  battle  over 
the  possession  of  a  choice  Meadow,  and  in  the  melie%  the  Frog 
was  trodden  upon  and  flattened  out. 

Moral* —  :     This  is  a  Moral.      • 


"  Waiter,  what 's  this  Potage  d  la  Reine  de  Madagascar 
you  've  got  on  the  bill  to-day  ?" 

"  It 's  very  nice,  sir." 

"  But  what  is  it  —  how  's  it  made  ?" 

"  Split  peas,  sir,  thickened." 

"  Why,  then,  it  \s  pea-soup.  What  do  you  call  it  rotage  d  la 
Reine  de  Madagascar  for  ?" 

"  To  charge  40  cents  a  plate  for  it,  sir." 

*  Note. — The  above  is  a  Fiat  Moral. 


The  World's  Almaniac  for  ifyp. —  59 


JTfe  (femtefnl  ^Lnt  m\d  th$  (IJlampaffiomtc  gjovq, 

!UX  Ant  having  fallen  into  a  Brook,  would  certainly  have  been 
/A  drowned,  had  not  a  Compassionate  Dove,  observing  its  miser- 
able Plight,  extended  to  it  a  Blade  of  Grass,  by  means  of  which 
the  unhappy  Insect  succeeded  in  reaching  the  Bank.  "  I  will 
do  as  much  for  you  another  Time,"  said  the  Ant,  gratefully. 
Some  time  afterwards,  as  the  Ant  was  strolling  through  the 
Forest,  it  observed  a  Peasant  who  had  bent  his  Bow  to  shoot  its 
unsuspecting  Preserver.  The  grateful  Ant  attempted  to  sting 
the  Clown  in  the  Heel,  and  thus  destroy  his  Aim,  but  he  had 
just  had  his  Sandals  re-soled,  and,  despite  the  Insect's  good 
intentions,  had  Pigeon  Pot-pie  foj-  Supper  that  Night. 

Moral. — Life  is   Real,    and    Things  do  not   Always    Come 
Out  as  they  do  in  Books. 


"Villain!" 

"  Scoundrel !" 

"  I  say  you  did  !" 

"You're  another  !" 

"  You  only  dare  to  say  that  because  you  are  bigger  'n  I  am  and 
have  got  a  big  stick,  but  just  you  put  down  that  stick  and  I  '11 
show  you." 

"  There  ! "     (Pitts  it  down. ) 
"  I  '11  show  you  !"     (Catches  up  stick  and  clubs  the  ex -propri- 
etor thereof  till  he  flies  for  his  life.)     "I  told  you   I'd  show 
you!"     (Exit,  in  triumph.) 


In  Jonah's  time,  people  did  not  wake  up  the  wrong  passenger. 

Never  put  off  till  to-morrow  going  out  to  see  the  man  you  can 
see  between  the  acts. 

Eve  was  not  a  woman  of  an  original  "mind."  If  she  had 
been,  she  would  have  respected  the  prohibition. 

Man  is  the  same  in  all  ages.  In  the  Arabian  Nights  we  read 
that  a  fisherman  opened  a  bottle  and  out  came  the  Djinn. 

The  hallucination  of  afflicted  people  who  regard  railroad 
tracks  as  deaf  and  dumb  asylums,  is  a  source  of  profit  to  the 
coroners. 


6o  — The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8yg. — 

£ilwmcs  uitl(ant  ^eusoti 


"TTX   Elephant,  who  had  a  chunk 
/A     Of  contraband  stuff  in  his  Trunk, 
Just  said  to  the  Custom- 
House  man  that  he  'd  bust  him 
If  his  Baggage  were  not  put  through  nunc. 


A  Lark,  fearing  that,  when  the  Skies 
Fell,  he  should  be  made  into   Pies, 
Said,  "To  make  my  Nest 
In  the  Grass  will  be  best; 
Then,  when  the  Skies  fall,  I  will  rise.' 


A  Cooking  Reformer  who  hied 

To  the  Isles  where  the  Cannibals  bide, 

To  make  them  cut  loose 

From  the  Frying-Pan's  use, 
Was  captured,  and  slaughtered,  and  —  Fried. 


An  Ostrich  invited  to  come 

And  partake  of  the  Comforts  of  Home 

At  $3,  said  meek- 

Ly,  "  My  Stomach 's  too  weak," 
And  swallowed  an  Axe,  and  did  roam. 


A  Bishop,  run  o'  er  by  a  Bus- 
Driver,  made  at  the  moment  no  Fuss, 
But  a  Box  toutc  de  suite 
That  no  Driver  could  beat, 
Invented,  and  'venged  himself  thus. 


A  Pastor  went  into  a  slum 

With  a  Fish- Peddler's  Horn  and  a  Drum, 

And  made  people  aware 

What  he  did  n't  see  there, 
And  thus  he  did  famous  become. 


A  Mule  with  for  music  no   Ear 
Shed  o'er  the  fact  no  muly  tear 

But  gaily  did  caper 

Off  to  a  newspaper 

To  earn  Fame  as  a  Critic  Severe, 


—  The  World's  Almaniac  for  i8yg. —  61 

"  The  Balance  of  Trade,"  says  Mr.  Stanley  Jevons,  in  one  of 
his  recent  works  on  Political  Economy,  "  is  a  blest  barren  ideal- 
ity. Frinstance,  you  have  a  Yellow  Bloodhound  which  you 
value  at  $i,  and  you  export  that  dog  with  you  some  night  as  you 
are  going  out,  and  part  with  him  for  seventy-five  cents,  with 
part  of  which  you  purchase  twelve  schooners  of  beer.  Return- 
ing at  2  a.  M.,  you  enter  inwards  at  the  Custom  House, —  i.  e., 
the  front  door, — and  the  returns  show  that  you  have  disposed 
of  dog  to  the  amount  of  $i,  and  have  only  brought  back,  there- 
for, nickels  to  the  amount  of  15  cents,  33.3  per  cent,  of  which 
are  as  likely  as  not  to  be  counterfeit.  Such,  however,  is  not  the 
case,  since  all  the  facts  do  not  appear  on  the  Customs  Registers 
(to  the  showings  whereof  superficial  observers  attach  so  much 
weight),  for  you  have  had  12  schooners  of  beer  and  a  good  time. 
Besides,  you  have  got  rid  of  the  dog !  " 


Try  not  the  pass,"  the  old  man  said; 
The  free  list  hath  been  sus-pend-ed." 


The  Atheist  that  strews  ashes  upon  the  ice  is  nearer  to  the 
Kingdom  than  the  Deacon  who  casts  his  Banana  Peels  where 
they  may  be  trodden  under  foot  by  men. 


"Out  ofThe  World"  Series. 


No.  1. 

COMIC  FABLES, 

BY 

G.  Washington  ^Esop. 

TWENTY-SIX     ILLUSTRATIONS     BY     F.     S.     CHURCH. 

Price   25   Cents. 

Everywhere  by  Book-sellers  and  News-dealers. 


No.   2. 

THE    WORLD'S 


ALMANtAC 


1879. 


ILLUSTRATIONS     BY     F.    S.    CHURCH. 

Price   25   Cents. 


No.  3. 

ARCHIBALD  THE  CAT, 

And    other    Sea   Yarns, 

BY    "THE     OLD     SAILOR." 

Price  25  Cents. 

Address 

THE    WORLD,    35    Park    Row. 


the  world's 
Employment  Office. 


^PHE  WORLD  has  opened  at  1,244  and  1,246  Broadway,  between 
•*•  Thirty-first  and  Thirty-second  Streets,  "An  Employment  Office  and 
Bureau  of  Information,"  for  the  purpose  of  helping  honest  AND 
CAPABLE  servants  to  secure  good  places,  and  of  enabling  employers  to 
obtain  such  servants  in  the  simplest,  surest  and  quickest  way. 

Only  Servants  of  good  established  character  will  be 
allowed  to  register  at  this  office,  and  after  they  have  reg- 
istered they  will  be  sent  only  to  places  where  they  may 
expect  to  secure  satisfactory  and  permanent  situations. 

At  present  servants  out  of  place  can  only  get  employment  by  paying 
a  fee  at  an  intelligence  office,  and  employers  in  need  of  servants  can 
obtain  them  only  in  the  same  way.  Both  the  employer  and  the  em- 
ployee pay  a  fee  every  time  they  apply  to  the  intelligence  office,  and  it 
is  therefore  obviously  the  interest  of  the  intelligence  office  that  servants 
shall  change  their  places  as  frequently  as  possible.  But  it  is  not  the 
interest  of  the  servant  to  be  constantly  changing  from  place  to  place, 
nor  is  it  the  interest  of  the  employer  to  be  constantly  changing  servants. 
Such  changes  involve  useless  expense  and  loss  of  time,  both  of  which 
we  believe  will  be  avoided  by  those  who  use  The  World's  bureau. 


The  plan  upon  which  The  World  proposes  to  conduct  this  office 
must  commend  itself  to  employers,  we  believe,  as  well  as  to  servants. 
The  Evening  Post  recently  said  with  perfect  truth,  in  commenting  upon 
the  subject,  that  "  to  hope  to  obtain  a  good  servant  at  an  ordinary  intel- 
ligence office  is  like  hoping  to  draw  a  prize  in  the  lottery."  No  reliance 
whatever  can  be  placed^rt^the  so-called  "characters"  given  at  most 
of  these  places.  Every  one  who  applies  and  pays  the  regulation  fee  is 
allowed  to  register  and  is  recommended  to  a  place.  No  such  indiscrimi- 
nate course  will  be  pursued  in  The  World's  bureau.  Every  one  who 
applies  for  registration  will  be  required  to  fill  up  a  blank,  giving  his  or 
her  name,  address,  occupation  and  nationality,  with  the  name  of  his  or 
her  last  employer.  This  blank  will  be  sent  to  the  applicant's  last 
employer  by  a  confidential  agent,  who  will  obtain  specific  information 
as  to  the  applicant's  honesty,  sobriety  and  trustworthiness.  If 
the  answers  to  these  inquiries  are  satisfactory,  the  applicant  will  be 
allowed  to  register  his  or  her  name  kept  in  books  of  record  for  that 
purpose  at  The  World  Employment  Office,  an  advertisement  will  then 
be  admitted  to  the  columns  of  The  World,  and  the  servant  will  then, 
and  only  then,  be  recommended  to  a  suitable  situation.  No  applicant 
will  be  recommended  until  such  inquiries  have  been  made,  excepting  in 
the  case  of  servants  bringing  letters  of  recommendation  from  recog- 
nized and  settled  ministers  of  any  religious  denomination.  The  great- 
est care  will  be  taken  to  make  sure  that  the  servants  whose  names 
appear  on  The  World's  register  are  thoroughly  honest  and  capable, 
so  that  employers  can  engage  them  without  being  put  to  the  trouble 
even  to  make  inquiries  as  to  their  characters. 

In  six  weeks  from  the  day  on  which  the  Employment 
Office  was  opened,  ONE  THOUSAND  AND  EIGHTY-SIX 
EMPLOYERS  had  been  supplied  with  suitable  servants. 
The  Office  has  become  a  necessity  to  housekeepers,  and 
has  been  imitated  by  other  newspapers  in  other  cities. 


\ 


